Vanessa
Copyright January 14-May 11, 2002 by Matthew Haldeman-Time
Rating: NC-17 for graphic male-male sex
Pairing: AJ McLean/Brian Littrell
Disclaimer: The young men who comprise the Backstreet Boys are their own people. The author has not met anyone here described, nor does the author mean to suggest that these people act this way in real life. This writing is a work of fiction. I make no money from this venture.
Wherein AJ explains the birds and the bees, Nick has insider information, and AJ shouldn't care whether Brian screws or not.
Notice: The title has been changed, again.
It baffled the mind.
But Brian tended to baffle AJ, anyway. AJ enjoyed a good contradiction, but Brian was full of them. The guy was wacky, zany, silly. Fun. Fun. But it was all innocent, wholesome fun. Laughing, joking fun. Good-natured fun. Brain was an adult, for God's sake, an international star in the music industry. What grown man, surrounded by alcohol, drugs, sex, and a thousand self-indulgent unwholesome temptations, would turn them down in favor of the simple fun of making faces at the camera?
Simple. Maybe that was it. Brian was a simple man, abiding by standards he'd set for himself. Brian wasn't one of those people who had to impress every last person; as long as he could face himself and God at the end of each day with a clean heart and a clear conscience, he was doing all right.
The whole celibacy thing threw AJ off. No drugs, okay. Moderation to abstinence on the alcohol, okay, yeah. But no sex? Everybody had sex. How could Brian not have sex? Did he not have natural human-animal urges?
His equipment looked okay, as far as AJ could tell. From the outside. He wasn't missing anything obvious. And he'd been known to have a hard-on once in a while. Not as often as Nick, but...
It wasn't up to AJ to provide Brian with a sex partner. If Brian wanted some, he could find it. He was a Backstreet Boy. Groupies were a fact of life. The trick was not to make them a way of life.
AJ did want to know why Brian didn't have sex. Why Brian had never had sex and didn't have any plans to do so.
Brian was a good, conservative Christian boy, but not to that extent.
AJ had let the mystery continue
long enough. The time had come. He had a few questions for
his good friend Brian.
From the beginning, he'd
found himself trying to get Brian's attention. When they performed,
if he and Brian were taking a back seat during Nick's solo, AJ would whisper
something, gesture, tease. Brian would respond in kind, and they'd
share that very private, public moment.
Maybe he was gay.
Yeah, right.
Finally, AJ waited until they were staying overnight in a hotel. Of course, then he had to wait for Nick to get out of Brian's room. Damn it, he was going to miss some good clubbing time tonight.
Brian in the room. No one else in the way. The possibility of a few uninterrupted minutes. All systems go. AJ knocked.
Brian opened the door. "Hey, AJ."
"Brian, we need to talk." He steered Brian back, closing the door behind himself.
"Should I sit down for this?" Brian teased.
"That might be for the best," AJ said. They sat on the sofa. AJ clasped his hands, resting his forearms on his knees. He looked at Brian intently. "I think you're old enough, mature enough, to be told."
"I hope so," Brian said.
"When a man and a woman love each other - - maybe you're not ready for that. Let's talk about bees instead. Have you heard of pollination?"
Brian laughed. "You're giving me the sex talk?"
"I think you're ready for it."
"I already know about sex, AJ. I was even there when Kevin gave Nick the 'sexual responsibility' lecture."
"Damn, I missed that one."
"Why are you trying to give me the sex talk?"
"You never have sex, so I thought maybe you just weren't sure how. I thought I'd help you out a little. Don't be too embarrassed to ask questions, now."
"I know how to have sex, AJ."
"Then why - - oh. Brian. It's nothing to be ashamed of. There are pills you can take for that now. Maybe you should talk to someone about it."
"I'm not impotent! I don't go out and get laid every night. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with me."
"All right."
"Thanks for your concern."
"No problem."
"You can go now, AJ."
"If you ever have any-"
"Shut up!"
"Okay. Okay. I just want you to know-"
Brian groaned, leaning into AJ. "Lord preserve me."
Hey, AJ had never thought of that. He pushed Brian up again. "Are you practicing abstinence for some holy reason?"
"I'm not practicing abstinence."
"Are you having sex I don't know about?"
Brian actually stopped and thought about it. "No."
Aha. Brian was on the verge of confessing. "When's the last time you got laid?"
Brian checked his watch. "1998, give or take."
AJ barely kept his jaw from dropping.
"You okay?" Brian asked, amused.
"You must have jerking off down to an art form," AJ said.
Brian smiled. "I think I do."
The images that flashed through AJ's mind were quickly censored. "What happened in 1998?"
"It started earlier than that. It's a long story."
AJ waited.
Brian waited.
"The story?" AJ prompted.
"I said there's a story. I didn't say I'd tell you what it is."
"You haven't had sex since 1998 and you won't tell me why."
"Right."
"You don't...have something, do you?"
"No," Brian said.
AJ started to scare himself. "And it's not...it's not a health issue."
"No," Brian said. "I can have sex if I want to, AJ. But for personal reasons, I choose not to."
Thank God. Okay. Deep breath, brain back in motion. Personal reasons. "Religious reasons?"
"Not really," Brian said.
Damn. Time to grasp at straws. "Are you gay?"
"No. AJ, I don't want to play Twenty Questions. I told you that I don't want to tell you about my personal decision to be celibate. I also don't want to sit here while you try to dig it out of me."
Brian was right. "Sorry. I just don't understand, and I want to."
"Maybe I'll tell you someday," Brian said.
That was fair. "I'm going to get ready to go out. You want to come with me?"
Brian looked ready to say no, then smiled. "Sure."
Whoa. He hadn't expected
Brian to say yes. Well, damn. This could be fun.
Tonight, he didn't look good. He didn't look damned good. He looked super-fine, extra-sexy, fuck-me good.
Brian looked good, too. His hair was just getting long enough to curl at the ends again. He was in a corner of the club, talking and dancing and laughing with three attractive women.
It still struck AJ as bizarre that Brian wasn't getting laid. He wasn't a freaking saint. He didn't swear too much, or drink too much, but... Damn it, it just didn't make sense. How was it possible? Why wasn't Brian having sex?
Everybody had sex, damn it!
1998. AJ tried to remember anything from back then that would have changed Brian's attitudes significantly. He'd been with Brian before, during, and after 1998, and he couldn't think of a thing.
Brian would tell him.
He'd get Brian to tell him.
AJ hung out in Brian's corner of the club for a while. It was fun over there. AJ had to bring Brian out with him more often.
They danced together, AJ and Brian and the three girls. AJ got himself in front of the one girl when Brian was behind her. He was grinding against her, and she had her ass all over Brian's groin. He looked past her at Brian, and Brian looked back.
The girl behind AJ ran her hand down his abs and over his fly. She grabbed his package, squeezing it a little. Maybe she'd be the one he took home.
He met Brian's eyes again.
Brian had to be hard, too, with that girl's ass rubbing at him.
AJ turned his head and told the girl on him to go play with Brian. She got her hand off his dick and danced around them, getting up behind Brian.
AJ watched. Her arm went around Brian's waist. A second later Brian blinked, laughed, and plucked up her hand, turning around, giving her a quick sort of tango. Friendly, not embarrassing her, but letting her know: some things were not to be touched.
AJ decided that Brian was
a hopeless freak he just couldn't help.
But he wasn't Brian.
What could keep Brian from getting laid? He didn't like sex? He was allergic to condoms? AJ had met a girl or two who was allergic to latex, so he usually carried around an alternative, just in case.
Brian wouldn't even let a girl grope him in a club. What kind of shit was that? AJ had gotten his hand down a girl's underwear and given her an orgasm on the dance floor. Nick had come once, on the dance floor. That had been early, back in the day. Nick had been so embarrassed and ashamed he'd hidden in the restroom until they'd coaxed him out.
It was never dull around
the Backstreet Boys. That was for damn sure.
But they were Backstreet Boys. They were up in each other's business so much, privacy was a foreign concept among them. There were things AJ wouldn't dream of telling another human being, that he found himself discussing with Howie. Because it was Howie. A Backstreet Boy. It wasn't like another Backstreet Boy qualified as another person.
He'd start with Kevin.
No. He'd start with Nick.
No. He'd start with Howie.
Kevin was Brian's cousin. Nick was Brian's best friend. Howie knew everything, because Howie paid attention to the subtleties of their personalities.
He'd start with Nick. Mainly because Nick was sitting over there doing nothing.
Out of nowhere, Brian walked over and sat beside Nick. He put his chin on Nick's shoulder, watching Nick's hand-held videogame. He started to make noises that were, AJ hoped, appropriate to what was happening onscreen. Nick must have done well, because Brian cheered. Then Brian got up and left.
Weird. Some people were just weird.
AJ loved it.
How could anyone not love Brian?
AJ sat down with Nick. Nick glanced over and said, "Oh, it's you."
He hadn't expected a parade, but really. Oh, it's you. How flattering. With that kind of reception, he'd be sure to show up around Nick more often.
Nick laughed. "Sorry."
"When's the last time you got laid?"
Nick, attention on his thumbwork, gaze on the game, said, "Last night."
Of course last night. Why had he bothered to ask? It was Nick. "When's the last time Kevin got laid?"
Nick frowned a little, probably tempted to look at him but not ready to look away from the game. "Chicago."
"Howie?"
"Uh... I think the night before last."
"Brian?"
No hesitation this time. "1998."
"When in 1998?"
"Why?"
"If you answer right, you get a little sticker on your chart."
"What?"
"Nick. When in 1998?"
"January."
Damn. Early. "Why?"
"Why what?"
"Why did he stop then?"
"Maybe she wasn't any good and he got sick of sex."
Bingo, jackpot, flashing lights. Nick knew. Brian wasn't getting laid, and Nick knew why. Lucky, lucky AJ. Nick couldn't keep anything from a Backstreet Boy. AJ kissed Nick on the side of the head. "Why did Brian stop having sex?"
"He's disturbed," Nick said. The tone of his voice indicated that he was telling the truth. AJ laughed. "Brian's fucking crazy, that's why he's not screwing anybody. I wouldn't do it."
"Not even if you had his reason?"
"My heart is not that pure. I'm not that idealistic, either."
"It's for reasons only Rok can comprehend?"
"No one on earth would do what he's doing, for his crazy reason."
"Here I'm thinking it's because he's impotent or gay or planning for monkhood or something, and it's because he's Brian."
"You know he's bi," Nick said.
Stop short with a screech of brakes. Back up. Try again. "What?"
"He's bi."
AJ took the game from Nick's hands and got Nick to look at him. "What?"
"Brian is bisexual," Nick said.
"The fuck he is."
"The fuck he isn't," Nick said. "Ask him. Ask Kevin, ask Howie."
AJ handed Nick the game and
left.
Brian opened the door. "AJ."
AJ walked in, past Brian.
"May I get you something?"
"The truth," AJ snapped.
Brian closed the door.
"Lock it," AJ said.
"I don't want to be locked in here with you if you're going to act like an asshole," Brian said.
"Will you please be so kind as to lock the door, my dear friend Brian?" AJ asked.
Brian locked the door.
AJ tried to pace off some of his tension. Then he stopped and faced Brian. "I asked you to your face if you were gay, and you said no."
"That's right," Brian said.
"Do you want to change that answer?"
"No, I'm happy with it," Brian said.
"Why are you lying to me, right to my face? Why would you tell Nick, Kevin, and Howie, and lie to me? Did you think I wouldn't find out? I'd think I'd be the first or second one of us you'd tell, considering Nick's maturity level and the stick up Kevin's ass."
"I'm not gay, I'm bisexual. That is not the same thing. I wasn't lying to you."
"The fuck you weren't."
"If you want to talk about my sexuality, we can talk about it, but I won't do it while you're hostile."
"Oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to take offense at you lying to me and keeping-"
"Maybe I had my own reasons for what I did."
"Maybe you should tell me what those reasons are."
"Sit down."
"No."
"Sit down." Brian pulled and dragged AJ to the foot of the bed, where they sat.
AJ got up and sat on the sofa.
Brian followed him and sat beside him.
"You've been with guys?"
"No," Brian said. "Once I sorted out my sexuality... Given my background and life experience at that time, I thought that sex between men was a sin. I kept myself to a strictly heterosexual lifestyle. I wouldn't let myself look at other boys or think of them."
AJ should have expected that much.
"Then, once the Backstreet Boys began, I gained more experience. I learned a lot more. My attitudes changed, but my sexual experience didn't, because one encounter with another man could have destroyed our career."
Other people would have done it, but tried to hide it. Brian didn't even court temptation. Brian was stronger than the rest of the world in unexpected ways.
"You've never even kissed another guy?"
"No."
"But you want to."
Brian smiled. "Yes."
Whoa. Damn. That had been a very sincere "yes." "What happened in January of 1998?"
Brian looked across the room, then back at AJ. Another smile, smaller, sadder. "An annual occurrence that was also a once-in-a-lifetime event."
"Could you be more specific?"
"No."
"New Year's?"
"After that."
"Martin Luther King, Jr., Day?"
Brian laughed. "Before that. AJ-"
"My birthday?"
Brian patted his cheek. "I hope you're always this arrogant."
"I hope so, too. It's before MLK Day, so it's not Nick's birthday."
"No, Nick isn't that lucky."
"You're awfully close to him," AJ said, raking Brian with suspicious eyes.
"He's awfully young for me," Brian said.
"What about me?" AJ asked. "Am I too young?"
"You're too sedate," Brian said. "I'm looking for a man with more attitude."
AJ laughed.
"Are we finished with the interrogation?" Brian asked.
"Why didn't you ever tell me that you're bi?"
Brian looked down. "I thought it would be easier if you didn't know."
"Easier?" AJ asked. "Easier for who?"
"For me."
"You know I'm not homophobic. Brian, if you're bi, more power to you. I only wish you could be with guys, if that's what you want."
"What I want..." Brian shrugged.
AJ couldn't let that go. "What do you want?"
"Something I'm not going to have."
"Not going to have? According to who?"
"Me, mostly."
"You're making sure you never get it."
"Yes."
"Why? Brian, you can have anything you want."
"I shouldn't have everything I ask for."
"Yes, you should." It slipped out before AJ could stop it.
A gentle smile this time. "No, I shouldn't."
"You're putting this on yourself. You want something, you've decided you don't deserve it, you're keeping yourself away from it. You're creating your own hell, Brian."
"And I'm keeping it to myself," Brian said. "I'm not inflicting anyone else with it. I don't talk about it, I don't show it."
"That doesn't make it okay!"
"Nothing does!"
God. AJ tried to reel it back in.
"I'm all right, AJ. You're right, I've created this for myself. But I'm learning to live with it."
"It was four years ago, Brian. How long are you going to keep it this way?"
"Maybe the rest of my life. Taken one day at a time, it doesn't seem that bad."
"Whatever you're martyring yourself for, it isn't worth it."
"I think it is," Brian said.
"Nick's right. You're fucked up." AJ didn't know what to do with Brian. "Whoever you're doing this for had better appreciate it." Hey. "Is it male or female?"
"Does that matter?" Brian asked.
"Yeah."
"It's male."
He hadn't expected that. But maybe that was what this was about. Maybe Brian had created this whole situation to keep himself from acting on homoerotic feelings. "Are you secretly homophobic?"
"I don't think so," Brian said.
"You're not making up this martyr shtick just because you're afraid of being with men?"
"No."
"If you thought that you could be with him, if whatever shit's keeping you from him now weren't there, you'd act on your feelings and fuck him through the mattress?"
Brian grinned. "Oh, yeah."
AJ grinned back. "Good
for you."
AJ had to find Brian somebody to screw. Somebody male.
But there was no guy Brian could screw, because they were Backstreet Boys. Shit.
Somebody discreet? Somebody trusted?
They didn't trust anybody. Well, they trusted their security guys, but they were all straight and didn't seem like Brian's type anyway.
Besides each other and security, they didn't trust anybody. Not enough.
Shit.
Maybe Howie would give it up to Brian for a night.
He asked Howie.
Howie said no.
He asked Nick, just in case.
Nick said no.
He couldn't ask Kevin. Incest wasn't his kick.
Damn. He wanted to find somebody to tempt Brian with. Somebody they could trust. Somebody hot.
He asked Howie and Nick for ideas. They didn't have any. He asked them, again, if they'd do it. Howie said no, again. Nick told him to stop asking them and just do it himself, if he wanted to get Brian laid that badly.
AJ's brain stopped working for a second or two.
"Yeah," Howie said. "You can't ask us to do something you're not willing to do yourself."
"Yeah, it's gay sex and everything, but it's just Brian," Nick said. "And you're good-looking, he could probably get it up for you."
AJ forced himself to say something. "If it isn't that big of a deal, why don't you do it?"
"I'm too young," Nick said.
"He's not my type," Howie said.
"He's not my type!" AJ said.
Nick shrugged. "You never know until you try it."
"You shut the fuck up," AJ said to Nick.
"I'm just saying."
Fuck Nick. AJ was the
sexiest Backstreet Boy in existence. He could have cured impotence,
if that had been Brian's problem. Of course he could turn Brian on.
Of course he could make Brian want him. He just didn't want to screw
Brian.
For once, AJ stayed out of the clubs. He showered, shaved, and made himself pretty.
He tried to imagine how it would go.
They probably wouldn't have sex. Not real sex, full sex, anal sex. Not Brian's first time with a guy. They'd probably grope each other and get off. He might get a blow job out of it, if Brian weren't too drunk.
Not that he wanted Brian's mouth on his dick.
Howie's knock on his door.
It was time.
AJ opened the door. Howie said, "When Nick comes out of Brian's room, he'll give you the key."
Right. AJ waited. Nick came out and handed him the key. "He's in bed," Nick whispered. "I took his shoes and socks off for you."
"Bastard," AJ whispered back. Nick grinned.
AJ waited. Still, quiet. If he waited too long, Brian would be passed out for good. What, was he scared here? He let himself into Brian's room. It was darker than the hallway had been. He locked the door by feel and waited for his eyes to adjust.
"Who's there?"
Shit. "It's me. AJ."
"AJ?" The sound of movement on the bed. The lamp clicked on.
Double shit. Brian was wide awake and totally sober.
"How'd you get in?"
Shit yet again. "Nick gave me the keys."
"Why?"
AJ switched gears completely. It was the only way he might survive this fucked-up scene. He walked closer to the bed and climbed up onto it, crawling directly over Brian, being as seductive as he could, considering the situation.
"AJ..."
He leaned in to kiss Brian. Brian turned aside; AJ got a few strands of hair and the pillowcase. The pillowcase did not seem to return his affection, so he leaned back again.
"Get off me."
"Come on, Rok. One kiss?"
"Fuck you, AJ."
AJ climbed off to one side, sitting on the bed. "One kiss, no tongue?"
"Why are you here? Why did Nick give you the key to my room?"
"So we can have sex, genius."
"We're not going to have sex. Dumbass."
"You kiss your mother with that mouth?"
"I'm not kissing you with it."
"Ooohhh."
"AJ, you're straight. You don't want me. There is no reason for you to think about me sexually, much less try to get into bed with me. What are you doing here?"
"I'm trying to tempt you to sin."
"I know that it's in your nature to do that, so I won't hold a grudge. But couldn't you have picked a different sin?"
"I like this sin."
"I know that you do, AJ, but you like this sin with women. Not with men, and not with me."
"You don't even want to try me?"
"AJ, go to your room."
"Kiss me good night first."
"On the cheek."
"On the cheek," AJ agreed. He scooted closer and leaned in. He kissed Brian's cheek, then presented his own cheek to be kissed. Then he pulled a page from Brian's book. When Brian leaned up to kiss his cheek, humoring him, he turned his head at the very last second and caught Brian's mouth with his own.
Immediately, Brian tried to pull back.
AJ grabbed Brian's chin in one hand, holding on firmly. "Close your eyes and let me," he whispered. He kissed Brian.
Brian hit his shoulder.
He didn't let go. He closed his eyes, trying to tease apart Brian's lips with his teeth and tongue. He licked at the corners of Brian's mouth, nipped gently at Brian's lower lip, felt Brian go limp and unresisting. For brief seconds it was like kissing a warm corpse. And then Brian began to respond.
AJ got his body into a more comfortable position, placing more weight on his right knee. He could relax somewhat now that Brian wasn't fighting him. Instead of forcibly holding Brian still, his fingers skimmed back Brian's jaw and touched behind Brian's earlobe. He licked the sensitive roof of Brian's mouth, and coaxed Brian's tongue into play. At the first gentle, erotic touch of Brian's tongue to the corner of his mouth, AJ groaned.
"AJ," Brian whispered, and Brian's hand ran down his back. It was like Brian was feeling him up, learning him, wanting him. And like touching his body through his shirt was an intimate and erotic thing, even though Brian had seen him naked countless times.
AJ hadn't guessed that guys would kiss like this. He'd thought it would be rough, wet, messy. Aggressive, and maybe perfunctory. Kissing was foreplay, and he'd thought that when two guys got together, foreplay would be little to nothing.
He'd been so wrong... Oh, god, he'd been wrong. This kiss with Brian was everything a kiss should be. It was sexy, assertive, loving, demanding, giving, hungry.
Brian was tugging AJ's shirt out of his pants. Hot, eager fingers were under AJ's shirt, on AJ's skin. On the small of his back, running up over bone and muscle, around to the front now, on his chest. Still learning him, still educating both of them.
"AJ." Again, his name. Less volume this time. Breathier. Less oriented in reality.
He could fuck Brian if he wanted to.
AJ's cock throbbed at that shocking new information.
He could spread Brian's legs and pull out his cock and fuck Brian. Fuck Brian. It was all AJ could do to keep from coming in his pants just thinking about the possibility.
Wait one fucking second. He could fuck Brian?
Brian was sucking his tongue, and it seemed to be on a direct line to his cock, which was very unhappy still to be cramped in his pants.
"An annual occurrence that was also a once-in-a-lifetime event." "My birthday?" "I hope you're always this arrogant."
"What about me? Am I too young?" "You're too sedate. I'm looking for a man with more attitude."
Brian never had given him a straight answer.
"Why didn't you ever tell me that you're bi?"
"I thought it would be easier if you didn't know."
"Easier? Easier for who?"
"For me."
The way Brian was saying his name here, in bed, as they kissed.
AJ was off of Brian and on his back, trying to catch his breath, keeping half a foot between them on the bed, before his mouth had time to miss Brian's kiss.
Brian didn't say anything. He seemed to be trying to breathe, too.
AJ wanted to open his jeans to give his dick some relief, but that seemed like bad manners, at the very least.
"Oh," Brian said.
God, no. AJ wanted to change everything. He'd never meant to hurt Brian.
"I'm sorry," Brian said. "I thought..."
God, god, no... AJ closed his eyes.
"All night Nick was acting like he was trying to keep from jumping around yelling 'Surprise!', and you said he gave you the key, and I thought..."
God. Nick knew. AJ was going to kill him.
"You shaved for...for this."
He'd almost said "for me." The knife twisted.
"You can go," Brian said. "It's all right."
But he couldn't. Not now. Not... "I didn't know." That was no excuse. But it was all he had. His ignorance.
"I know," Brian said. "It's okay."
He wanted to say that he was sorry, but it would be inadequate. His throat closed on the words.
"I need to have a talk with Nick and Howie," Brian said.
Howie knew, too? AJ was going to kill them. He choked it out: "I'm sorry."
"You didn't know," Brian
said. "It was my moment of weakness."
Or maybe just kill them both outright.
But he'd have to torture them first. Mercilessly.
As it turned out, he didn't have to do much. Brian must have done it for him. When he saw them the next morning, Howie looked awful and Nick obviously had been crying.
The new plot development was that Brian must have talked to Kevin, too. Because Kevin kept giving AJ looks that said, "Hurt him again, even go near him again, and you're dead meat, boy."
Kevin didn't need to worry.
AJ had no intention of sticking sharp pins in that wound again.
1998. He'd turned twenty. Not a teenager anymore. Old enough for Brian to want.
Brian had never said anything. Never made a move. Probably never would have.
"How long are you going to keep it this way?"
"Maybe the rest of my life. Taken one day at a time, it doesn't seem that bad."
Brian...
Why hadn't he given up when Brian had said no?
Why hadn't he let go when Brian tried to shove him off?
He hadn't stopped. He'd made Brian give in to him. And it had been good, so good it had made his mind and his body ache in new places. But it had been wrong. It had been cruel. And he hadn't known.
Now he did know.
He didn't know what to do
about it.
Brian came to him first. One more reason AJ wanted to slam his own face into the wall.
Not only did Brian come to him first, but Brian came to him in his hotel room. It was two weeks after they'd kissed. AJ hadn't expected to be alone in any room with Brian, much less a hotel room, for another year or so.
Brian remained standing, of course.
AJ was grateful that he still had on his sunglasses.
"I'm sorry about what's happened," Brian said. "I know it's awkward for you right now, but it doesn't have to change everything. We're still Backstreet Boys."
Awkward. Awkward? It was fucking Pluto. Or hell. Maybe hell in Pluto.
"Friends," Brian said, and offered his hand for AJ to shake.
AJ had a sudden vision of taking Brian's hand, not to shake it but to pull Brian closer. With one hand on the back of Brian's neck, he'd keep Brian close, kiss Brian, feel himself instantly hard, feel Brian against his body, tip Brian's head back and change the angle and kiss Brian deeper, deeper, until he was drowning in Brian's love...
Or maybe until they shared their dreams coming true and Brian showed him what true love meant.
After all, if he wanted it that way...
He had to stop listening to their lyrics.
AJ shook Brian's hand, but he didn't let it go. He held onto it and stepped closer to Brian. "How long?"
"I think it started when we met," Brian said.
"Why me?"
"Because of everything about you."
"I'm sorry."
"I wish you didn't know."
"I still don't understand."
"That's okay. I don't
really want you to."
The way Brian treated him, it was almost like he'd dreamt it all. He couldn't even tell, sometimes, that Brian harbored a deep, secret love for him. It was like Brian was the same old Brian, and he was the same old AJ, and nothing was different.
But everything was different.
Brian was in love with him. Brian had been in love with him for years.
He was straight. Brian was his friend, his best friend, his fellow Backstreet Boy, but nothing more. He felt like shit, and he wished that he could change the situation, but there was nothing he could do.
His body was his traitor.
It remembered Brian's kiss, Brian's touch. The heat, the desire.
He couldn't really disillusion Brian, either, to snap Brian out of it. Brian knew everything about him, including all of the bad stuff.
He couldn't talk to Brian's friends, to get them to talk Brian out of it. Brian's friends, the people with the most influence, were Kevin, Howie, and Nick. And no doubt they'd talked to Brian about it more than once.
It was scary. He wished Brian were shallow. But Brian was so deep and so pure that Brian's love, of all things, was as sure and as true as God's word. If Brian loved him, Brian loved him. Brian was going to love him forever. Strong love, true love.
Brian's love.
Okay, maybe a little more painful than shaving.
After all, if Brian were pining away for him daily, it would show.
Not that he'd noticed it any time over the years.
He couldn't ask Brian about it. "Hey, great verse there, B-Rok. By the way, when you're in your bunk resting, you're not in there thinking about me, or anything, are you?"
Brian didn't lust after him. Not a whole lot, not anymore. After all, after seeing him in various states of undress for years, it wasn't like his body was anything interesting.
But the way Brian had touched him...
God, Brian lusted after him, fantasized about him, and actively wanted him. He couldn't shit himself and think otherwise. Brian was hot for his overinked body.
He winced, remembering when he'd gotten the 69 around his navel. He'd paraded around to everybody. He was sure he'd shown it off in Brian's face like he was hot shit.
Okay, so he was hot shit. But he didn't need to taunt Brian with it.
Only he hadn't been taunting Brian. He hadn't known! How was he supposed to censor himself when he didn't know?!
Now he knew. And now
he was in hell on Pluto. Hell, because everything hurt, every second
hurt, every revelation hurt. And because he was hurting Brian, too,
and he didn't want to, but he couldn't stop. Pluto, because everything
was different, new, weird, and wrong. He'd been operating under the
wrong information for years. The whole world hadn't been what he'd
thought it was.
AJ disagreed, but didn't say anything.
"Yeah," Nick said, looking at Brian with a critical eye. "It's getting long again."
"It isn't long," AJ said.
"It's all curly at the ends," Nick said.
"I know," AJ said. "I like it." He wanted to touch those curls. He wished that he had, when he'd had the chance.
Brian didn't get a haircut
for another two weeks.
He should have kept up his sex life. He should prove, to himself and to Brian, that his life was continuing on as it had been. That yes, he realized that Brian had feelings for him, but he did not return those feelings.
Of course he didn't return Brian's feelings.
And maybe he would have stayed as sexually active as he'd been. But he didn't feel like it. He still had sexual urges, of course. He still wanted to get laid. He still enjoyed sex. But he just didn't...didn't want to screw like he used to. It wasn't the same.
Maybe he was realizing what he was missing. The feeling Brian had for him when they'd kissed; if he could find a girl with a tenth of that passion... The depth of Brian's love couldn't be duplicated. And he wasn't actively seeking a great love at the moment. But now that he'd experienced the way it might be with someone who truly loved him, momentary lust and interlocking body parts weren't doing it for him anymore.
He wished that he didn't know. He didn't want to know. He didn't want Brian to love him.
He wanted to be angry at
Brian for changing everything. But he couldn't be. Brian was
suffering for it, too, and more than he was.
In theory, sure. He was smart, sexy, rich, famous, and talented as hell. He'd be a great catch for anyone. He was a double-whammy; worthy of deep love and affection, but also deserving of cheap sex fantasies.
But Brian? Why would Brian be in love with him?
Overlooking the fact that he was male, there was still the ink. And the piercings. And yeah, he'd cleaned up his act a lot, but he still enjoyed a party. He had a lot of attitude. And he wasn't naive enough to forget the race issue.
He wasn't exactly someone Brian could take home to meet the family.
Especially knowing Brian's family.
Damn.
Brian was too mature to be interested in him just to rebel and piss off the folks. That couldn't be it.
Then what was it? What
was in him that was worth the pain Brian was going through?
Brian looked so happy to
see him...
Kevin was the only other one who worked out as regularly as he did, so they'd become workout partners. They encouraged each other, spotted for each other, that kind of thing.
After that day's session, AJ wiped off sweat and peeled off his shirt. He asked Kevin if there was any improvement. Kevin said, yeah, his abs did look more defined.
Then AJ looked over and saw Brian standing there.
"Harry's looking for you," Brian told Kevin.
"Thanks," Kevin said.
Brian's gaze lingered on AJ's naked chest. His abs. For a split second, Brian's gaze dipped lower. Then Brian was gone, and AJ pulled his shirt on again, somehow ashamed.
He shouldn't feel ashamed. He hadn't done anything remotely wrong. He hadn't even known that Brian was there. And once he had noticed Brian, he hadn't done anything.
Brian had checked out his basket.
Shit.
Brian already knew what it looked like. There wasn't much AJ could do to change that.
Except for way back in their first days, when they'd checked strictly for male ego reasons of comparison, they'd never bothered to look. Okay, yeah, so when he was sure he'd stopped growing and developing, he'd looked again, to make sure he stacked up okay. And he'd checked out Nick, when he'd realized how big the rest of Nick was getting. But they were casual about their bodies, even more casual than they were about other, smaller, robbed privacies.
Brian looking at his body in general was one thing. Admiration, lust, whatever. That was one thing. But Brian trying to scope the goods? That was different. That was more serious. And that hadn't been a speculative look. That had been a probing look. Like Brian really wanted to see. Really wanted to...to know.
To know what?
What it felt like? What it tasted like?
AJ needed to shut his brain
the fuck up.
He did not want to deal with the reality of Brian wanting him sexually.
Sure, in theory, Brian wanted him. That was part of the whole being in love with him thing.
Sure, in theory, Brian had sexual feelings for him. Desires. Interests. Even fantasies.
But real-life lust?
Wanting to do stuff to him? Having keen interest in specific parts of his body?
Brian?
He didn't want to know what
Brian fantasized about. He didn't want to know that Brian fantasized
at all.
They would have kept kissing.
Brian would have kept touching him. Would have put a hand on his dick. Would have started to undress him.
Brian would have jerked him off. He would have jerked Brian off. He would have.
Brian might even...have...might even have sucked him off.
But he would have figured it out sooner or later. And Brian would have realized that he hadn't known. And if he thought that their current situation was bad, he didn't want to think about what it might have been like, had they engaged in explicit sexual acts.
But...if they had taken off their shirts, opened their jeans, and touched each other... If that had happened, then now, right now, he would have the knowledge, the memory, of coming in Brian's hand.
And if he'd been taken into Brian's mouth...
He would have been Brian's first.
Brian had been so eager for him that night...
Brian's mouth would have been so hot, so hungry for him... No experience, long-denied greed. Brian would have sucked too hard, made his body jerk, and that only would have made Brian hungrier.
AJ wanted to roll across a bed, naked, making out with Brian. The sheets tangling around their legs only to be kicked away. Their attention on each other, on their desire, with not a moment to spare for anyone, anything else. He'd-
He'd leap off of the bus into oncoming traffic.
Fuck!
Get a grip, McLean.
Brian didn't even try to
touch.
He was bringing someone back with him tonight. He wasn't the one practicing abstinence. Another night without a good fuck, and he'd be jacking off like a boy who'd just discovered he had a working dick.
"You must have jerking off down to an art form," AJ said.
Brian smiled. "I think I do."
Not only jerking off. Jerking off and thinking about him. Brian jacked off to fantasies of him.
Maybe years of celibacy had dulled Brian's sexual urges.
Or maybe years of celibacy had made Brian's dick more responsive to AJ.
If he wanted to, if he tried, he could jerk Brian's sexual responses around like puppets on strings.
But he wasn't that cruel.
He loved Brian.
The only problem was, he wasn't in love with Brian.
Brian was in love with him.
And would be.
Forever.
"Friends, remember? Backstreet Boys."
"Right," AJ said.
"Then stop avoiding me," Brian said, smiling to erase any sting. "I'm not going to do anything."
"I know."
"It's okay," Brian said.
"I know," he said again.
"You know, if you tell me what's wrong, then I can do something to help."
"It's nothing. There's nothing wrong."
"Good. Friends."
"Friends," AJ agreed.
"Friends! Brothers! Backstreet Boys!" Nick cheered.
"I don't remember including you in this conversation," Brian said to Nick.
AJ knew what Nick was doing. Nick was trying to interrupt their private conversation, in case Brian needed rescuing. AJ resented the hell out of that implication. He was working his ass off to keep any remotely painful or difficult situation from occurring, and this was the thanks he got? He didn't need anyone to try to protect Brian from him. Nick could kiss his ass. He turned back to Brian. "Why don't we finish this conversation tonight, in my room?"
Brian hesitated, surprised. "Sure. All right."
AJ nodded and walked away.
What Brian had said to him backstage had been true. He knew it was true. Brian wasn't going to do anything. Wasn't going to jump him, make a pass at him, try to convince him to love Brian back, or do anything remotely manipulative.
But Brian had looked at him. Not only looked at him, but checked him out. Physically, sexually, like he was a possible sexual partner or a nice piece of meat. It had only been once, and maybe Brian didn't do it very often; maybe it had only been because he'd been sweating and half-naked. But it had happened. And no doubt it would happen again.
Brian was a human being. Brian had held in a powerful love, keeping it a secret, for years. Brian still had to carry that love, and its related passions and desires, around with him every day, every night. Had to love AJ, want AJ, work with AJ, live with AJ, be near AJ all day, every day.
AJ had jumped on Brian and kissed him; Brian had responded and called it a moment of weakness. It hadn't really been a moment of weakness, considering what AJ had been trying to do. But Brian, being human, might have true moments of weakness. The longer Brian had to cling to his secret and shield AJ from it, the more likely it was that Brian would break, snap. Who wouldn't?
They were asking too much
of Brian.
"You wanted to see me?" Brian prompted.
"You've been having to keep everything under control, not show any sign of how you're feeling, for years. The strain can't be good for you. Our lives are stressful enough without that."
"What do you suggest?" Brian asked.
"I want you to relax a little. Drop your guard. Make it easier on yourself. I know how you feel, and so do the rest of the guys."
"Relax," Brian repeated.
"Relax. Let it go sometimes."
"AJ, what do you think is going to happen? You think that if I 'relax,' things will be better? That maybe I'll look at you longingly across the bus, or maybe I'll look at your ass when you walk by, but you're willing to put up with that if it makes my life easier? AJ, I'm not a child. I'm an adult, I'm a man, and I have the same needs and urges as any other man. Thank you for your generous offer, but I'll decline."
"Brian-"
"If I relax, if I try to forget the barriers I've spent years carefully erecting, do you know what will happen? I'll be on you, after you, every day. As close as we are, it wouldn't take much to - - AJ, we're Backstreet Boys. If it weren't for the barriers I have set up, there would be nothing between us. Nothing to stop me."
"I'd stop you."
"AJ, you kissed me. I don't want to sound conceited, but I think that it's very likely that eventually, you wouldn't stop me. You'd let me. And it would only take one time, one time, AJ."
Brian was right. Eventually, probably sooner rather than later, he'd let Brian have what Brian wanted. And then, the morning after...
"I'm not going to do that to myself," Brian said.
"I can't do anything to change this," AJ said. Shit.
"I'm not asking you to love me back," Brian said. "I just want you to respect my feelings enough to let me look after them myself."
"I do," AJ said.
Brian hugged him. It wasn't one of those macho hugs where they slapped each other's backs with their groins a foot apart. It was a long, full-body hug. Brian held onto him, and he gave in, closing his eyes, hugging Brian back.
What the hell. "I love you," AJ said. He raised his hand enough to touch the curls at Brian's nape.
"I love you, too, AJ," Brian said. "And ever since you stopped smoking, you've smelled so good."
AJ chuckled. "Thanks."
"This was such a bad idea."
"What?"
"Hugging you."
"Why?"
"I don't want to let go."
"I can stand here for another minute."
"Okay."
"Is there anything I can do? To make it easier?"
"Be less sexy. That would be a big help."
"I don't know if I can do that. My sexiness is an entity of its own."
"Yeah, I know."
"You like that about me?"
"Yeah."
AJ smiled. "Brian?"
"What?"
"I can feel your hard-on against my leg."
"Shit!" Brian pulled back, alarmed.
"It's okay," AJ said. "It's okay. I shouldn't have said anything."
"You're laughing at me."
"You deserve to be laughed at."
"I'm going to go back to my room now. Maybe get some sleep. You still have time to visit the clubs, if it doesn't take you too long to get dressed."
"At least I care what I look like."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"I'm a Backstreet Boy, and I dress for the part. You dress like you're going down to the corner store to pick up some milk."
"I'm the boy next door, AJ. I'm happy with the way I look."
"You should let me fix you up sometime."
"I have no desire to wear leather, spend an hour on my hair, or expose previously private body parts."
"I could make you look sexy."
"If you believe our fans, I already do look sexy."
"They're biased."
"That's why I love them."
AJ leaned in to kiss Brian.
Brian stopped him with a hand on his chest, politely maintaining distance.
AJ reached out, cupping Brian's jaw in his hands, and moved in again.
"AJ," Brian said, turning his face aside. "Stop it."
AJ kissed Brian's mouth. His thumbs rubbed over the strong line of Brian's jaw. Soft kiss, brush of lips. Slow kiss, tender.
Brian stepped down on his foot, hard, and smacked him in the side of the head, making him let go. "Fuck you, AJ."
"I wanted to kiss you," AJ said.
"Fuck you." Brian was
gone.
Very bad idea. Very stupid AJ. Way to fuck up.
Brian had kissed him back for a minute there. And he'd loved it. Loved it. The way Brian kissed him...
Hello, my name is AJ, and I'm doing my best to fuck up my friendship with Brian.
Was there a reason he kept going ahead when Brian told him to stop? He knew how to take no for an answer. When girls told him no, he stopped. But when Brian said no, he kept going.
Maybe because he was a freaking bastard.
Yeah, that could be why.
Fuck.
Not that Brian wanted to see him right now.
He'd go over later. Another hour.
Brian might be asleep by now. He'd talk to Brian tomorrow.
A knock at his door. Sounded like Nick. He opened the door. "What?"
"Last chance," Nick said, and gave him a key, and left.
Bastard! Bastard! "Bastard!"
Nick flipped him off and kept going.
Bastard.
He didn't even know which room was Brian's.
He asked.
Okay. Here went nothing.
Brian was one of God's favorites. God wouldn't let him hurt Brian too much.
AJ crossed himself, unlocked Brian's door, and went in.
Brian shot to his feet. "AJ."
AJ set the key on the table. "You have to start frisking Nick when he walks out the door."
"Maybe I'll stop letting him into my room at all," Brian said.
"He thinks he's being helpful."
"He's mistaken."
"I'm sorry. Not that I kissed you, but that I did it when you didn't want me to."
"AJ, I thought you understood. I thought that you'd agreed to respect how I feel. Screw the euphemisms - - I'm in love with you, and if you're my friend, I expect you to respect that. Respecting my love means not mocking me or throwing it in my face."
"I wouldn't do that."
"Then what do you call it?"
"I wanted to kiss you!"
"You haven't wanted to kiss me in your life," Brian said.
"I've wanted to kiss you for months," AJ said. "Ever since that first time, when..."
"Bullshit."
"Do you have any idea how hard you made me?! You were so freaking hot, I wanted-"
"Don't make me hit you, AJ."
"I'm telling you the truth."
"You're full of shit. Get out."
"I want to kiss you."
"Get a girlfriend."
"I want to fuck you." His chest hurt with the truth of it, with wanting Brian.
"I swear to God-"
"I want you, I've wanted you since I kissed you."
"Get the hell out of my room, AJ."
"One more kiss," AJ said.
"Is that what you want? You want to kiss me? Go ahead. If getting some means more to you than our friendship, do whatever you want. But I want you to know that it's all on the line right now. If you so much as touch me, if you know I'm in love with you and it means that little to you, I will not forgive you. Things will never be the same."
"Things haven't been the same," AJ said. "I can't live with it the way things are. Maybe I have to keep hurting you until I find something I can live with."
This time, Brian let him get close. Close enough to kiss.
This time, Brian kissed him back from the first time their lips met.
AJ needed to lie down, sit down, something, God, his legs were going to give out on him. He clutched at Brian for support, and Brian was warm, alive, hot. He felt Brian's hard-on against his leg again, and he liked it there.
Brian was holding back. He could feel it. He didn't like it. He wanted Brian to give in to him. He wanted Brian to be the hot, eager, fuckable creature he'd kissed last time. Brian had been lost to their passion, launched into fantasy. He wanted to do that to Brian again.
He licked Brian's canines. "Say my name."
"AJ," Brian whispered against his mouth. Bingo. Brian moaned, clinging to him, sucking his tongue, climbing back onto the bed and pulling him along. AJ shivered with excitement, obeying, crawling onto Brian. Like last time, the first time. Except this time he was actually on Brian, on top of Brian, and he could feel how hard Brian was against his thigh. He nudged Brian's thighs apart, getting his knee between them, and put his thigh right up against Brian's hard-on. The direct contact had Brian rubbing up against him, making these hot sounds into AJ's mouth.
Brian was trying to take off AJ's shirt. AJ cooperated, and then Brian was touching him, eager hands over his naked torso. Brian seemed to want to touch him everywhere. Brian wasn't going straight for the hot spots to turn him on; Brian wanted to feel him all over, explore him. It was a fucking sexy rush, to know that Brian wanted him like that.
Brian's tongue flickered against his cheek. Brian's hands skimmed down over AJ's ass, back up over his hips. Curious, wondering, testing. Wanting him, but still holding back, not ready to take the plunge.
"Say my name," he whispered again.
"AJ," and Brian kissed him harder, deeper, Brian's hands cupping his ass, running over his thighs. "AJ." Brian's hand grabbed his ass, then slid back and down, between his thighs, and AJ was never going to wear pants again if it separated his balls from Brian's hand.
Brian started to massage.
That did it. AJ got Brian out of that shirt, then opened the fly to Brian's jeans. Brian moaned, and all of a sudden Brian was pushing into his hands, and he could feel how hard and swollen Brian's dick was, the heat of Brian's groin, right there in his hands. With a rough movement, he shoved Brian's jeans and underwear down to Brian's knees. Brian was panting against his mouth, and he opened his eyes, seeing how shocked Brian was, how ready to come.
AJ guided himself by touch back to Brian's balls. Soft, and warm, and full. Brian said his name, and kissed him again. He licked Brian's tongue into his mouth and sucked on it, gently. Brian moaned and reached for his fly.
Hell, yes. AJ couldn't wait to get out of these jeans-
-and into Brian's hand. God, fuck, oh god, Brian. Too much, not enough, not the head not the head not the - - AJ came, speechless, breathless. God damn, Brian.
Before he was even finished shivering, he was on his back and Brian was licking it up. Licking it up, licking it off, tongue on his skin, mouth hot and wet. Brian was lapping up his jism like an expensive whore. AJ moaned, responding to fantasies he hadn't even known he had.
He wanted to make Brian come, too. He wanted to watch Brian come. So he gathered his strength and pulled Brian up, rolling them over again. "Brian."
Brian kissed him. He could taste his jism in Brian's mouth. It made him want Brian more.
He was going to make Brian come.
AJ made himself stop kissing Brian long enough to lick his palm. Brian latched right onto his mouth again, and he lowered his hand, finding Brian's cock. Holding it. Rubbing it. It was like his but not his. It was Brian's. And Brian started to fuck his fist, hips rocking back and forth, urgent noises in the back of Brian's throat.
"Come on me," AJ said, his voice low and rough. "Come on me, come on me and lick it off like you licked up my cum. Come on me and lick it off me and let me fuck you, let me fuck you, I want to fuck you." By the end, his voice was a dirty whisper and Brian was spurting cum over his hand. Then Brian was kissing him and he had his hand back between Brian's thighs, fingers seeking the tight little entrance to Brian's body.
"AJ," and Brian was opening for his touch, closing around it, muscle clamping shut over his finger. AJ shuddered, only able to imagine this tight hot secret around his dick. "AJ."
"Brian." AJ wanted to fuck him, fuck him hard, fuck him now. He tried to get his body to calm the hell down, and moved his finger inside Brian. He knew what Brian wanted. It had to be in there somewhere. If only Brian weren't so tight...
Brian gasped, and every muscle in his body rippled. Damn. That had to be it.
AJ stroked it some more. After a minute, he had to stop, because Brian was sweating and trembling and whimpering and clutching at him for dear life. "Let me fuck you."
Brian shook his head.
What? No, damn it, no! "Let me fuck you," AJ said again. He'd beg if he had to.
"I don't have anything," Brian said, panting, his hips moving in an enticing liquid rhythm, working AJ's finger deeper. The perfect case of the mouth saying no while the body said yes, yes, yes. Brian's eyes closed; Brian's back arched; Brian's muscles clenched and unclenched around AJ's finger.
He had to fuck Brian. Now, right now, right now- "Lube, you don't have lube?"
"Suitcase," Brian gasped, "it's in my suitcase. Oh, AJ, stop it..."
He'd been caressing Brian's prostate again. It was kind of hard not to, considering the reaction it provoked.
"We need...need...condoms," Brian said.
"I have some," AJ said.
"They're too far, they're in your room, if you leave it won't be the same when you get back," Brian said, and he lifted his hips, holding onto AJ's shoulders for leverage, and lowered himself onto AJ's finger, fast, and Brian moaned, and AJ was going to fuck him or die trying.
"Let me get them, I'll be right back," AJ said. "Brian, please." Brian's cock was leaking between their bodies, and Brian was going to come any second now, and AJ had to get in there, had to. "We don't even need them, we don't need condoms, we're clean, I'm clean, I promise you." If he hadn't been, he never would have let Brian lick up his cum, for one thing.
"Dirty," Brian said, shaking his head, half in denial and half with pleasure.
"I don't care if it's messy, I'll deal with it, please, god, Brian, let me, I have to." He didn't want to go get the lube. He pulled his finger out of Brian and spat in his hand, spat again. Brian was panting and AJ put a finger in and Brian was twisting and AJ smeared his pre-cum over his dick and Brian was hyperventilating and AJ got his dick lined up, right there, throbbing and spitting against Brian, and Brian came and AJ thrust and too tight too tight too tight too damned fucking tight it felt so good it hurt, it hurt so much it felt good. He had to hold still, let Brian's body try to accomodate him, let himself try to keep from coming right then and there. He hadn't known, he hadn't realized, it was more than perfect.
He wasn't going to ask Brian if it hurt. He knew that it had to hurt. But he wasn't going to stop now. Not unless Brian asked him to. And Brian wasn't asking.
Brian moved underneath him and AJ almost came. Shit. He wished he'd tried this years ago.
"Move, move," Brian said.
"Are you sure?" AJ asked. Could Brian take it? Should've gotten the lube, he was so stupid, couldn't control his fucking hormones. He moved a little, sinking deeper. God damn, god freaking fuck damn, he was never going back to pussy.
"More," Brian said. He gritted his teeth and thrust. Brian gasped right in his ear. He kept going. Another thrust, another, and he was in, in the whole way, his cock seated deep inside Brian.
AJ held still, feeling Brian around him, feeling his cock throb and pulse in the confinement of Brian's body.
Brian's hips rose and fell once, sharply. While AJ scrambled to keep his brains from shooting out of his dick, Brian gave a sigh of contentment. "That's better. Go ahead."
Bastard.
AJ gathered his self-control, eased back, and thrust. Brian winced, so he changed the angle. Not quite... Oh, hell, yeah. That was it. He fucked Brian, aiming for the prostate, in and out of the tight channel. Brian, with one hand on AJ's ass, moaned and gasped a lot, breathing hard, rocking in support of AJ's thrusts.
"So fucking tight," AJ said, panting, and bit his lower lip to keep from coming, to keep from screaming.
Brian's vocalizations dropped to a rhythmic panting that became louder, higher, louder, higher, the longer AJ fucked him.
Brian was going to come.
Fuck yeah. AJ thrust harder, faster.
Louder, higher.
Harder, faster.
Louder, higher.
Harder, faster.
AJ shifted his weight and
reached between their bodies, taking Brian's erection in his hand.
He milked that orgasm right out of Brian until Brian was crying out and
spasming around him and still coming and begging him for something and
then he was coming, coming and fucking and coming and he couldn't catch
his breath and everything was white and then everything was black.
Brian stopped touching his face.
AJ sat up, blinking.
"You passed out," Brian said.
"Shit. Sorry."
"I decided to consider it a compliment," Brian said.
That was Brian for you. AJ licked his lips and took inventory. Naked, clean, under the covers, with Brian. None of that had been true last time he'd checked, except for the "with Brian" part.
"I finished undressing you and got a washcloth," Brian said. "I thought it was only polite."
"Yeah. Thanks."
"You might want to use lube next time you do that," Brian said. "Your...you look a little tender."
AJ touched himself under the sheets. Yeah, Brian was right. Good advice.
"Do I need to give you the safe sex lecture?" Brian asked.
"No," AJ said. "This is the first time in years I haven't used a condom."
"Good."
"Shut up for a minute."
Brian, who didn't even take offense, stayed quiet and got comfortable.
AJ decided to lie down again. He laced his fingers over his chest and looked at the ceiling.
Brian touched him, just a little, once. The backs of Brian's fingers ran down his left arm from the shoulder, down his tattoos. Then Brian's touch withdrew.
AJ couldn't think. He didn't know what to think, or where to start.
Oh, shit! He looked at Brian. "Did I hurt you? Badly?"
"No," Brian said. "Don't worry about it."
AJ looked at the ceiling again.
Brian's voice was quiet. "Was it my responsibility to say no?"
"No. No," AJ said. Absolutely not. He tried to think again. "I know it's not fair that... You, you love me, and you don't want me to touch you if it isn't... I don't want to hurt you, and I understand that you don't want me to..." Fuck it. "You don't want to kiss me or screw me, because you love me and I don't love you. You'd rather not have me at all. But we'll never know if I could love you, if we could have something, if you won't let me try."
"Try?"
"I didn't know we'd ever be more than friends. But ever since we kissed I've wanted you, wanted you more and more. I'm going fucking nuts wanting to jump you. You don't want me to go near you, but if I don't, I'll never know what we might have. We'll never know."
"I already know."
AJ closed his eyes at the final pain in Brian's voice.
"You aren't going to return my feeling. You'll never be able to give me what I want, and I've accepted it. I don't want you to try. I got over all of my false hopes long ago."
AJ opened his eyes again. It was still easier to look at the ceiling than at Brian. "We'll never know unless we try. I'll never know. I want to know. I can't promise you that by this time next month I'll be pledging my eternal love. But I already love you in every other possible way. And I want you. No guilt fucks, no pity fucks, I just want you. And you want me. And if I don't make my move now, if I walk away from this because I'm too afraid of hurting you to take this chance, I'll hate myself forever. And I'll never know. I have to know."
"I know you wouldn't hurt me if you didn't think that something good would come from it," Brian said. "But I don't know if it's worth it."
"You already love me," AJ said. "Now all you have to do is trust me. I won't do anything to hurt you. I won't go too far unless I'm sure. The day you hear me say, 'I love you,' will be the day it's true."
Brian didn't say anything.
He looked at Brian, to make sure Brian had heard him.
There were tears in Brian's eyes. Wetness glittering there over the blue.
Oh, god. Brian.
Not one tear fell. Brian was holding them back by will.
AJ hugged him.
Kissed him.
Brian kissed him back.
So good, so right. Learning, loving, sweet and wet and "Brian..."
Brian stopped kissing him.
No, no, AJ found Brian's
mouth again. No stopping, never stopping. He wrapped himself
around Brian, in Brian, and he was on top and then Brian was on top and
the sheets tangled around their legs and he kicked the sheets away.
He was under Brian and he was kissing Brian and Brian's hand was between
his thighs and he opened for Brian, let Brian in, let Brian touch him there,
right there, and the fireworks overcame the fear.