Continued...

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        “For what?”

        “The in-laws are coming over, and so’s Justin J. and his little boys.  We’re having a picnic on the beach.  I need you to lug shit down there.”

        “I’m not your slave.”

        “No, but you owe me.”

        “I stayed out past midnight!”

        “Hey, yeah, thanks.  I had a really great day after you left.”  Nick left, and the pillow Aaron aimed at the back of his head missed its target.

        Aaron took his time taking a shower and getting dressed.  When he went downstairs, Nick gave him folding chairs and told him to make himself useful.  He dragged the chairs down to the beach.  Brian was out there, putting down towels and blankets.  He wasn’t sure what to say, but Brian enlisted his aid in setting up the volleyball net, and by the time they were finished with that, Brian’s warm smiles and casual conversation had him at ease.

        Then Nick and Drew were coming down with everyone else in tow.  Nick and Jeff were there, and Justin Jeffre, and Justin’s boyfriend Dan, and Dan’s best friend Ashley.  Dan and Ashley were at least closer to Aaron’s age, and Ashley at least wasn’t there with a fucking boyfriend.  Thank god the whole damned universe wasn’t gay.

        They all sat down and ate.  Aaron was used to seeing Nick and Jeff all of the time, but he’d almost never spoken to them.  Nick wasn’t bad, except he kept looking at Aaron funny, and Aaron wasn’t sure how to take it.  Jeff was cool, though, cooler than he’d expected.  Justin was really cool, too, and he hit it off with Dan and Ashley.

        Everybody got up to play volleyball.  The teams were uneven, so they all kept switching teams at will, which kept things interesting.  Then Brian took Jeff and Justin back into the house, and Nick muttered something about the adults needing to talk.  Drew took his brother into the house, too, and Nick muttered something about having to baby-sit the children.  Aaron asked Dan and Ashley if they wanted to go out in the boat, and Nick asked if he could come, too, since it was his boat; so all four of them went.

        Nick and Dan started talking about wherever Justin and Dan had just been, so Aaron talked to Ashley.  It turned out that Ashley and Dan lived together, and they were having a party the next night.  Ashley invited Aaron, and Aaron said he’d definitely go.  He was getting bored with being cooped up anyway.  Nick didn’t even let him go to clubs, since he’d made the mistake of telling Nick all of his tricks for getting drinks.  Like Nick was so strait-laced or something.

        When they all went back to the house, everyone else was getting ready to go.  Everybody said good-bye to everybody else, and assorted plans were made for future meetings, and everyone who didn’t live there left.

        “How was it?” Nick asked Aaron.

        “How was what?”

        “Aaron spent all afternoon talking to someone who’s prettier than he is,” Nick said.  “I just hope he’s not traumatized.”

        “Shut up!”  God, Nick was so annoying.  “They’re having a party at their place tomorrow night.  Am I supposed to ask you for permission?”

        “No drugs,” Nick said.  “None, you hear me?”

        “I got it,” Aaron snapped.

        “You drink, you either get a cab or call me,” Nick said.  “You’re not driving home.”

        “I know.”

        “Then I guess you can go,” Nick said.  “You need condoms?”

        “Shut up!”

        “Nick,” Brian said.

        “What, it’s important,” Nick said.

        “You don’t have to embarrass him.”

        “He’s my brother.  That’s what he’s there for,” Nick said.

        In the morning, he felt like shit, and he didn’t remember most of the previous night.  Dan was gone, and Ashley was less hung over than he was but not running on all cylinders.  They staggered around for a little bit, hydrating and whispering, and then they sat on Ashley’s bed talking about the party.  It turned out that the girl Aaron had fucked on Ashley’s bed had been older than he’d thought, and also one of Ashley’s ex-girlfriends; but Ashley was mostly okay with it, since she hadn’t been a great girlfriend.

        “Brian and I have shit to take care of,” Nick said.  “We’ll be back later.  You could try talking to Drew while we’re gone.  He won’t bite.”

        Yeah, right.  Whenever Nick took off his shirt, he had at least one hickey somewhere, and they weren’t all from Brian.  Or maybe they were, but Aaron didn’t need specifics.

        Nick and Brian left.  Aaron was alone in the house with Drew.

        He wondered what Drew was doing.

        He snuck downstairs.

        A sound from the laundry room.

        He peeked in.

        Drew was dumping clothes into the washer.  He hesitated, looked down at what he was wearing, and pulled off his sleeveless shirt, dropping it in with the rest.  He scratched his elbow and started to mess with detergents.  The play of muscles in his back was fascinating.  There was a dark suck mark on his shoulder.  The…

        Aaron swallowed.

        “Hi,” Drew said hesitantly.  He reached back to start the washer without looking, like if he turned away Aaron might disappear, which was true.

        “Hi,” Aaron said, since he had nothing else to say.  He shifted his weight from one foot to the other.

        “How’d it go last night?”  Drew picked up a laundry basket and set it on the floor, crouching to unload the dryer.

        “Uh, good,” Aaron said.  “I had a good time.  Ashley and Dan are great.”

        “Nick said you met somebody.”  Drew stood, setting the basket on the table.  He pulled on a sleeveless shirt and started folding laundry.

        Met somebody?  Oh.  “Yeah.”  He wondered if he should offer to help with the folding.  “She’s almost thirty, though.  And she’s Ashley’s ex.”

        “Almost thirty?”

        “Well, twenty-five or something.”  He wondered how old Drew was.  Older than Nick, younger than Brian.  “Do you guys ever go out?”

        “To clubs?” Drew asked.

        “Yeah.”

        “We go out all of the time when we’re on tour.  But Nick doesn’t think I should go to clubs.”

        “Why not?”

        “He doesn’t like watching other people hit on me.”

        “That’s stupid.”

        “It’s okay.  I’m not really a club person.”

        “He doesn’t want me going out, either.  He thinks I’m too young.”

         “He said Kevin and Brian didn’t want him going to clubs, either, when he was younger.”

        “I bet I could get Ashley to take me.”

        “They’ll let you in?”

        Aaron grinned.

        “Do they serve you?”

        Another grin.  “Sometimes.  And if they don’t, I can borrow other people’s drinks.”

        Drew stopped folding and looked at him.

        Aaron came into the room a little closer, leaning on the table.

        “You’re very well-adjusted,” Drew said.

        “Yeah,” Aaron said.  “Is that why everyone keeps looking at me crazy?  They think I’m going to lose it in front of them?”

        Drew leaned on the table, too.  “Who’s looking at you crazy?”

        Aaron shrugged uneasily.  Maybe he’d said too much.  “Brian did, when I first got here.  Your brother did the other day.”

        “Brian feels responsible for the separation between you and Nick.  He’s been very worried about you.  And he loves you, he’s missed you.”

        “Why is it his fault?” Aaron asked.

        “It’s not,” Drew said.  “My brother, you can ignore.”

        Aaron grinned.

        “You should go out with Ashley,” Drew said.

        “You should go out, too,” Aaron said.

        “Okay,” Drew said.  “You want to come with me?”

        Whoa.  Aaron didn’t even...  “Sure.”

        “How’s tonight?” Drew asked.

        “Nick’ll be back before we go.”

        “That’s okay,” Drew said.  “Do you want him to come?”

        “Hell, no.”

        “You don’t like going out with Nick?”

        Aaron rolled his eyes.  “You want help with that?”

        “Sure.”

        Brian entered.  “Hey.  Drew says you’re going out.”

        “Yeah.  You want to come?”

        Brian grinned.  “I thought we weren’t invited.”

        “Nick’s not invited,” Aaron said.  “You can come.”

        “It sounds like fun,” Brian said.  “I’ll go change.”

        Aaron kept looking.  Aha!  Jackpot.  He pulled on his shirt and started looking for his boots.  He was on his hands and knees, half-buried in the closet, when someone smacked his ass.  “Damn it, Nick.”

        “You’re not going.”

        “Help me find my boots.”

        “You’re too young.”

        “Like you were too young?”

        “You want pictures of you wasted and making an ass of yourself all over the front page?”

        “I’m not going to get wasted.”

        “You’re fucking under fucking age.”

        “I’m a fucking adult!  You’re not my fucking father!”  Aaron grabbed his boots and got to his feet.  “You’re not responsible for me!”

        “I want what’s best for you,” Nick said.  “I’m looking out for you.”

        “I can look out for myself!  You’re not in charge!”

        “You’re not going!”

        “This isn’t even - - I’m going with Drew!  I’m going with Brian!  You really think they’re going to let me get trashed in some club?  Brian’s probably going to make me drink freaking Hawaiian Punch or something!  I know you’re paranoid about shit, I know Mom and Dad made you feel super-responsible for how everything you did reflected on my career, but this isn’t even about that!  I’m eighteen, I’m going out with Brian, I think I’ll be okay.  Okay?  I don’t know Drew all that well, but I don’t think he’s going to corrupt me.”

        “Are you sure you want to do this?”

        “Are you sure there’s not a stick up your ass?”

        Nick glared at him.  “I am not Kevin.”

        “Could’ve fooled me.”  Aaron sat down and put on his boots.  “I look okay?”

        “You look great.”  Nick ran his fingers through Aaron’s hair.  “Those pants are too tight.”

        “Good.”  Aaron put his arm around Nick’s shoulders and kissed Nick’s cheek.  “I’ll be back before breakfast.”

        Brian took them to a great spot, totally crowded, and they let Aaron in right away.  Brian said he could have one drink right then, and another drink later, which was more than Aaron had thought he’d be able to get away with.  He tried to drink it too fast, to make it hit him harder, but Drew didn’t let him.  Drew was pretty on top of stuff.

        He got a little buzzed off the first drink, and Brian told him to go ahead and dance.  He worked his way into the crowd, picking up a cute girl along the way, and started dancing.

        The DJ was awesome, and the place was packed, and he’d picked up a few new moves from the dancers on his last tour.  He found a girl who fit his style perfectly, and traded moves with her for a while.  Then he signed somebody’s bare shoulder, and the next girl he danced with asked him old he was and left when he told her, which kind of killed his mood.  He decided to get his second drink.

        Except he’d lost Brian.  He scanned the crowd, wondering-

        There.  There, dancing with…

        dancing sweat leather sex flesh beat

        …Drew.

        Aaron had never…  He...

        Okay, first of all, no wonder Nick didn’t let Drew leave the house at night.  Second, if people were hitting on Drew in clubs, it was his fault.

        Whoa.  Whoa, whoa, whoa!  Damn, okay, did Drew know he was in public?

        Whoa.  Apparently not.  Aaron wondered if he should call Nick or something.  Or, like, the police.  Which would probably be an overreaction, but damn, maybe not.

        Now, that move, Aaron had to try.

        The song changed, and Drew stopped, taking Brian’s hand and leaving the dance floor.  Thank god.  Aaron reached the table just as they were sitting.  “You want your second drink?” Brian asked.

        “Uh, no,” Aaron said.  “That’s okay.  I’m kind of tired, I was thinking of just going home.”

        “Are you sure?” Brian asked.  “Nick’s okay no matter how late you get back.”

        “No, I’m going to go,” Aaron said.

        Brian studied him.  “Do you want us to go?  You can stay out without us.”

        “No, I’m okay,” Aaron said.

        “Okay,” Brian said.  He got up, taking Drew’s hand again.  “Maybe he’s coming down with something,” he told Drew.

        “Maybe we embarrassed him,” Drew said.

        “Did we embarrass you?” Brian asked.

        “I’m not embarrassed,” Aaron said.  “I just don’t think Drew should be allowed out of the house.”

        “Okay,” Nick said, like he didn’t care.

        Drew leaned over and kissed Nick’s other cheek.  “You should have come with us.”

        Nick snorted, but he turned his head and kissed Drew’s cheek.  “Did you embarrass Aaron?”

        “He says we didn’t, but I think he’s just being polite,” Drew said.

        “Hey, come here,” Nick said, reaching past Brian.  Aaron came around to sit beside him.  “Did they dance with anybody else?”

        “Not that I saw,” Aaron said.

        “You’ve been drinking.”

        “I had one drink,” Aaron said, rolling his eyes.

        “Ashley called.”

        “Did he?”

        “Yeah.  He wanted to hang out.  I told him he could come over tomorrow.  Unless you’re busy or something.”

        “I’m not doing anything.”  Ashley, cool.  “Can I take the boat?”

        “Are you going to be careful with it?”

        “Yeah.”

        “Don’t show off.”

        “I won’t.”

        “You’ve never handled it by yourself before.”

        “Okay, Jesus, we’ll stay inside and watch ‘Sesame Street.’”

        “Okay.”  Nick kissed Brian’s cheek, stroking Brian’s face.  “Go to bed.”

        “It’s early,” Aaron protested.

        “I feel like getting laid and I want you out of the way.”

        “I’ll stay down here and watch TV.”

        “Okay.”  Nick got up, kissing his hair.  “Good night.”

        “Night,” Brian said, kissing the same spot, following Nick.

        “Night,” Drew said, touching his shoulder and following Brian.

        Aaron watched them go.  Drew had a great - - Jesus.  Jesus, he was checking out Drew’s ass.  Drew was a guy.  Drew was his brother’s husband.  Drew was his brother-in-law.

        Hey.  He’d never actually put it like that before.  Drew was his brother-in-law.  Brian was his brother-in-law.  That was kind of…neat, kind of.

        They talked, and they played videogames, and they talked, and they went outside and played one-on-one volleyball, and they walked on the beach and talked, and they sat on the beach and talked.  By that time, it was past dark, and Aaron was starving, so they went inside and ate and talked, and sat around and talked, and listened to music and talked.  When Ashley left, Aaron felt like the house was empty.

        Nick came downstairs.  “Where’s Ashley?”

        “He just left.”

        “What’s he like?”

        “What?”

        “Ashley.  I never really spent any time with him.  What’s he like?”

        “He’s nice,” Aaron said.  “He’s cool.  We have a million things in common.”

        “Yeah, I guess you do,” Nick said.

        “He went to see Justin J.,” Nick said.

        Aaron rummaged for his cereal.  Nick hid it from him in a different place every day.

        “Stop scowling,” Brian said.  “You’re curdling your milk.”

        “I’m not scowling,” Nick muttered.

        “Nick,” Brian said.

        “You don’t think it’s weird?” Nick asked.

        “No, I don’t,” Brian said.

        “You know it’s weird,” Nick said.

        “Dan’s traditional, and Justin’s in no rush,” Brian said.  “They want to be sure.”

        “Yeah, but he could get his own place,” Nick said.

        Behind the Bisquik!  “What are you talking about?” Aaron asked.

        “Nothing,” Brian said.

        “If you were dating a girl, and she lived with a really hot guy, wouldn’t you kind of wonder if they were doing it on the side?” Nick asked.

        “Nick!” Brian said.  “Dan’s a great guy.  Justin’s a great guy.  I’ve never seen Dan look at anyone else.”

        “Yeah, but…  Dan and Ashley aren’t just living together.  They aren’t even just best friends.  They’re…”

        “I know that, but Justin knows Dan better than you do, and if he isn’t worried, you shouldn’t be,” Brian said.

        Aaron narrowed his eyes.  “What are you talking about?”

        “I love Justin J., I would have his back for anything, he’s my brother for life,” Nick said.  “But have you looked at Ashley?”

        “He’s cute,” Brian said.

        “Cute, he’s fucking better-looking than everyone in the world except you,” Nick said.

        Brian smiled.

        “I’m serious,” Nick said.  “You can’t tell me, if you were that close to someone that good-looking, living with him, you wouldn’t accidentally walk in on him in the shower one morning?”

        “Ashley’s straight,” Aaron said.

        Brian looked at Nick.

        “That explains a hell of a lot,” Nick said.  “Aaron, Ashley’s bi.”

        Aaron almost dropped the milk.  “What?”

        “Ashley’s bi,” Brian said, a little more gently.

        “Ashley Angel?”  That didn’t even make sense.

        “Yeah,” Nick said.  “I should have figured out you didn’t know.”

        “He’s not - - how do you know?  Did he say something?”

        “Justin told us,” Nick said.

        “Justin could be wrong,” Aaron said.

        “We’ve met his boyfriends,” Nick said.  “One of them, anyway.  No, two.  That dark-haired guy and then what’s-his-face.”

        “Boyfriends?”

        Nick nodded.  “Boyfriends.”

        Aaron felt this weird twisting in his stomach.  “Ashley’s gay?”

        “He’s bi,” Brian said.

        “Are you okay?” Nick asked.

        “He’s fine,” Brian said softly.

        “He’s not fine,” Nick said.

        “He’s fine,” Brian said.  “Aaron knows that nothing’s changed.  The things their friendship is based on are still there.”

        “Yeah, except Ashley’s bi and Aaron’s homophobic,” Nick said.

        “I’m not homophobic,” Aaron said.

        “Yeah, you are,” Nick said.

        “Not at heart,” Brian said.  “If he were, he wouldn’t be here.”

        Nick dragged Aaron closer, slinging his arm around Aaron’s shoulders.  “You can see Ashley every damned day if you want to.  Or, if you’re weirded out, you can ditch him.  You don’t have to prove anything, not to anybody, not in either direction.  Okay?”

        “I know,” Aaron said.

        “Okay.”

        He went downstairs to tell Nick that Ashley was coming over, but Nick was about to leave.  With Brian, to meet Drew.

        When Ashley came over, Aaron was alone in the house.

        He didn’t even know where to look.  He didn’t know what to say.  Nick said that all gay guys didn’t want all guys, the same way that Aaron didn’t like all girls just because he was straight.  So Ashley probably wasn’t even interested in him, anyway.  But what if Ashley did?  What if Ashley wanted to jump him or something?  What if - - god, he could get away, couldn’t he?  Ashley looked stronger than he was, but he’d wrestled with Nick a lot, so he had a lot of good escape techniques.

        They went behind the house, to the beach, and walked.  That way, he didn’t have to look at Ashley, they could just talk.  Ashley asked him if he was okay, and he said he was fine.  Their conversation sort of stumbled along for a minute, because he was too busy wondering whether they were walking too close together or not.  Then Ashley mentioned Erik being in town with tickets to a pre-season game, and did Aaron want to go?

        He did want to go.  He glanced at Ashley, but Ashley looked normal, just the way he had all day yesterday, friendly and interested in everything Aaron had to say.  Come to think of it, maybe he seemed a little too interested, but Aaron had figured that was just the way he was.  Ashley was a really sincere guy.  He seemed to be whole-heartedly into everything he did.

        Since Aaron did want to go to the game, he accepted Ashley’s invitation.  Ashley smiled, like he was really happy about that, but he didn’t make a huge deal out of it.  Maybe…  Maybe everything could work out okay, if Aaron was really careful.

        Conversation flowed a little more easily after that.  They walked slower, down closer to the water, the foam swirling around their ankles.  It looked like it was going to rain, but Aaron liked that, loved the change in nature’s mood, the ominous look, the attitude in the air.

        Then it actually started to rain.  They turned around, walking back towards the house, because it was just sprinkling at first.  Then it turned into serious rain, and they started running.  By the time they got back to their shoes, they were soaked through, and they ran back to the house, laughing, shouting.  They stood on the enclosed back porch, watching the thunder, a little adrenaline-charged, a little cold anyway.  They were wet, and their feet were sandy, and Aaron shivered from the sudden chill, pushing his hair back with both hands.  He sat on the table, kicking his feet together to knock the sand off, wondering if Drew was going to make him clean that up.

        Ashley sat in a chair, at his side.

        Lightning flashed.

        “I was talking to Dan,” Ashley said, “and I…  I’m not sure if you know something.  About me.  It never came up, but maybe I made sure it never came up.”

        Aaron’s gut twisted.

        “Aaron.”

        Aaron turned his head, looking down at Ashley.  His stomach hurt.  He didn’t want to talk about this.

        “I’m bisexual,” Ashley said.  “I know you’re not, I’m not trying to…  I wouldn’t…  I just thought you should know.”  Something uncertain flickered in his eyes.

        Ashley was more nervous than he was.

        Ashley wanted him.

        Ashley wanted him.  He was sure of it, he was certain.  He didn’t know how he felt about anything anymore, he couldn’t find solid ground anywhere, but he knew, he knew, that Ashley wanted him.  That was why Ashley had hung out with him that entire first day, that was why they’d spent hours upon hours together yesterday, that was why Ashley had come back today.  Ashley liked him.  Ashley wanted him.

        It was…

        Aaron watched the rain hit the glass.  The thunder was so loud he could feel it.

        He was probably wrong.  He was probably way off base.  Ashley probably just wanted to be friends and hadn’t even looked at him twice.

        That twisting feeling in his stomach had started spiraling through his body.

        He looked at Ashley’s profile.

        Ashley looked up at him.

        Ashley was fucking gorgeous.  He had perfect features, flawless bone structure, great coloring, everything.  His mouth looked really soft, and his eyes looked vulnerable.

        Aaron could hurt him.  Really hurt him.  Something very, very quiet and very, very precious was being offered, and Aaron wasn’t even sure what it was.  It was there in Ashley’s eyes, there on Ashley’s lips, there in the curl of Ashley’s fingers against the tabletop.

        Aaron watched the rain come down.

        “I-”

        “Don’t go.”  Aaron didn’t let him finish.  “Stay with me.”

        They sat there, for hours.  Not moving, not speaking.  Watching the rain.  Feeling the thunder.

        He walked down the long hallway to Nick, Brian, and Drew’s room.  He’d never so much as glanced inside, afraid of what he might see.

        Turning the knob, he pushed the door open, turning on the light.

        It was just a bedroom.  It was a huge room, with a huge bed, but it was just a bedroom.  There was one door that led into a bathroom, and a set of double doors that opened into an enormous walk-in closet.

        Aaron stepped into the closet, flicking on the overhead light.  Walls of clothes, racks of shoes, it was like a small but crowded store.  The section nearest him had the most clothes, and was disorganized as hell.  Definitely Nick’s.  The next section he decided was Brian’s.  Brian at least understood the correct function of a hanger.  Drew’s part of the closet was right out of Efficient Organization for Your Home magazine, and yeah, Drew had about thirty sleeveless shirts.  He also had a whole damned stash of Backstreet Boys tour shirts, which was a little weird.

        As a younger brother, Aaron considered it his right to snoop through Nick’s shit.  If Nick wanted to keep something from him, then it was up to Nick to find a hiding spot he couldn’t find.

        Brian and Drew’s shit was really none of his business.  But he wasn’t going through anything really personal.  He was just…looking.

        He wandered into the bathroom.  Three sets of towels, three toothbrushes, three kinds of razors.  Three kinds of shampoo?  Like they couldn’t just stock up on one kind?  He sniffed one.  Yep, that was Nick.  The second one was definitely Brian.  The third one had to be Drew, although he hadn’t really gotten close enough to Drew to smell him.

        There was nothing under the bed.  There was nothing under the mattress.  There had to be sex shit in the nightstand, everybody kept sex shit in the nightstand, and he wasn’t even going to risk looking in there.  There was a bureau.  First drawer, Nick’s underwear.  Okay, now that he thought about it, there hadn’t been underwear in the closet, so that made sense.  Second drawer, more underwear.  Third drawer, more underwear.  The official choice of the household seemed to be boxer-briefs, although color varied.  Fourth drawer, pictures, letters, more pictures, more letters, Nick’s handwriting, Brian’s handwriting, that had to be Drew’s handwriting.  Fifth drawer-

        Holy shit!  Holy Jesus fucking shit!  Aaron slammed the drawer shut, backing up fast.  The sex shit was supposed to be in the freaking nightstand, not in the freaking - - he didn’t want to know, he didn’t want to know, he just holy freaking did not want to know!

        Okay.  Jesus.  Aaron caught his breath.  Okay.  He was fine.  He was fine.  He just had to erase that entire image from his mind, and everything would be okay.

        It was time to get out of this room before he found anything else traumatizing.

        Aaron turned off the light, leaving the room, closing the door behind himself.  Maybe, maybe they were right.  Maybe he should just ask.

        “Uh…Brian?”

        Brian looked up and gave him a warm smile.  “Hey.”

        It was hard to say, but he wanted to get it out before Brian’s attention went somewhere else.  Brian took pauses in conversation better than Nick did, but still.  “Can I talk to you?”

        “Yeah,” Brian said.  “Sure.”

        “I don’t-”

        “No, now’s fine,” Brian said, reading Aaron’s mind or something.  He shifted slightly, stroking his fingertips down Drew’s cheek.  “Sweetheart,” he whispered.  Drew made a vague noise.  “Sweetheart, I have to talk to Aaron.  Go upstairs and get in bed.”  Drew blinked his eyes open, settling his gaze on Brian’s face.  “Go up to bed,” Brian said, and kissed him.  “I’ll be there in a minute.”

        “Mm,” Drew said, and Brian scooted aside to let him up.  Drew stood, rubbing the side of his neck.  “Hey,” he said, seeing Aaron.

        “Hey,” Aaron said, crossing his arms over his chest, stepping aside.

        “Night,” Drew said, leaning down to kiss Brian.  “Night,” he said on his way past Aaron.

        “Night,” Aaron said.

        Brian turned off the TV and waited, looking calm and patient, giving Aaron room to say or do anything.

        A little reassured by that, Aaron sat on the other end of the sofa.  He was kind of perched on the edge of the cushion, and he was sure he looked as uncomfortable as he felt.

        “You can tell me anything,” Brian said.

        Nick told Brian everything.  Nick had told Brian everything before, years and years ago, so he was sure that Nick really told Brian everything now.  “Can straight guys and gay guys be friends?”

        “Yes,” Brian said.  “Of course they can.”

        “What if the gay one likes the straight one?  Wants him, I mean.”

        “That depends on the people,” Brian said.  “The gay friend might not be willing to settle for what the straight friend can offer him.  Or the straight friend might not be comfortable with the situation.  But a real friendship can withstand a lot of tests.  And feelings change.  The gay friend’s interest may be passing affection, and once it’s gone, or stabilized, they can enjoy a long, healthy friendship.”

        “Can two gay guys be friends?  Wouldn’t they just want each other?”

        “No,” Brian said.  “What I look for in a friend, and what I’m attracted to sexually, those are different qualities.  AJ and Howie are my best friends in the world, and I’ve never been attracted to them sexually.  We’ve been best friends for years, and we’ve never tried to…hook up.  I love JC, but I don’t want him.”

        “How did you know you were…bi?”

        “I’m attracted to men and to women,” Brian said.  “I love everything about both sexes.  When I realized I was checking out girls and also other guys, I got confused, and for a long time I put my interest in men on hold, but now that I’m older and more experienced, I don’t think that labels are important.  You don’t have to define what you feel so much as you have to feel what you feel.”

        “Feel what you feel?” Aaron repeated.

        “If you’re attracted to happy laughter and warm smiles and sparkling eyes, that’s what you’re attracted to.  If you’re attracted to a woman’s curves and a woman’s touch, that’s what you’re attracted to.  What makes you sit up and take notice, what turns you on, whatever your trigger is, that’s what it is.  You might have a million, or you might have two, but all you have to do is acknowledge what you feel.  I’m interested in this person.  This turns me on.  And getting turned on isn’t all in your dick, it’s in the way your brain engages, it’s in the way you feel warmer inside, the way lights are brighter and the room’s suddenly more intimate and everything’s new and exciting.  It’s about who you feel better about yourself by just being around.  Who you look forward to seeing.  Who makes being together a full-body experience.  Who grabs your attention in a whole new way and makes you feel things you never felt before.”

        “If you can be with women, shouldn’t you be with women?”

        “I should be with whoever I love most,” Brian said.  “If I were with someone else, Nick and Drew wouldn’t have my love the way they have it now.  I wouldn’t be able to share this rich experience with this depth of emotion.  Whoever I was with, would be cheated.  It might make things easier if you look at it in a certain way, but it wouldn’t make things better.”

        If Brian weren’t around…  If Nick and Drew didn’t have Brian…  They’d all be okay.  Wouldn’t they?  Things would be different.  Nick lit up around Brian.  Maybe they’d still be best friends, but they wouldn’t live together, wouldn’t be this connected.  And Drew…  Drew wouldn’t…

        “Brian,” he murmured, “beautiful...”

        Drew cherished Brian.  Drew loved Brian.  Brian felt the same way, and Nick, and if Brian were with someone else, none of them would have this.  Nothing would ever be this complete or this profound.  Aaron had never seen a connection like this.  Brian was right, it might be easier in some ways, but it could never be better.

        So maybe being with a woman above all else wasn’t what was best, not for everybody.  Maybe what was even more important than that was finding the right person, whoever that was.

        And how was anybody going to find the right person without exploring?

        Aaron was scaring himself.

        “Aaron?”  Brian’s thumb rubbed lightly across his eyebrow.  “What’s wrong?”

        “Ashley came over today.”

        Brian’s gaze became even more empathetic, his voice even gentler.  “Yeah?”

        “He told me he’s bi.”  Aaron didn’t know where to look.  “He thought I should know.”

        “He must really trust you,” Brian said.

        “I guess so,” Aaron said.

        “Are you going to stay friends with him?” Brian asked.

        Aaron wanted to squirm.  “Yeah.”  He fidgeted a little before making himself stop.  “I guess.”

        “He’s nice,” Brian said.

        “He’s real nice,” Aaron said.  Ashley was great, that wasn’t the problem.  Or that was the problem.  Ashley was a little too great.  Too nice, too fun, too good-looking.  He could talk to Ashley about anything, and everything Ashley said was interesting, and every time their eyes met he got sucked into some kind of vortex where Ashley was funny and cool and great to be around and great to look at and more than perfect in every possible way and Aaron just wanted to stay there forever.

        He had the same touching problem Nick did.  He wanted to put his hands all over anything he was interested in.  Just walking along the beach that very day, he’d been in a constant struggle to keep his hands to himself.  He’d wanted to touch Ashley to accentuate his point, or for contact while they were laughing, or just for the hell of it, just because his hands were attracted to-

        “Aaron?”

        Aaron had to get out of there.  Brian was confusing him.  Brian was rationalizing, it was fucking queer propaganda, he-

        “Would you lie to me?” Aaron demanded.  “Would you lie to me?”

        “No,” Brian said.  “Aaron, I love you, I would not lie to you.  I want to help you.  You’ve been lied to for a long time, and you’ve been lying to yourself.  I want to help you to find the truth.”

        “I’m not gay!” Aaron shouted.  It wasn’t enough; he got to his feet.  “I’m not fucking gay!”

        “What the fuck is going on here?!”  Nick was in the doorway, and he looked pissed.  Royally pissed.  At Brian.  Aaron, breathing hard, was royally pissed himself, and a little fucking terrified that Nick had heard, and also surprised that Nick was mad at Brian and not him.

        “We’re talking,” Brian said, very calmly.

        “Get out,” Nick said.  “Get out!” he yelled, except he was glaring at Brian, not at Aaron; yelling at Brian, not at Aaron.  That was wrong, that was backwards, Aaron didn’t get that at all.  He looked from Nick to Brian, wondering what was happening.

        For about half a second, Brian looked pissed, like he really didn’t appreciate Nick talking to him that way.  Then his expression softened, like he understood everything, and didn’t hold any of it against any of them.  He got up, and he left, and Aaron sort of wished he’d come back, because he’d seemed to have a much better handle on the situation than Aaron did.

        “Are you okay?” Nick asked.

        Aaron looked at him.  Somehow that seemed like an odd question.

        “It’s okay,” Nick said, coming closer, cupping his face, stroking his cheeks - - wet, his cheeks were wet, tears, he’d been crying, when had he started fucking crying?  Embarrassed, ashamed, Aaron tried to pull away.  “No, it’s okay,” Nick said, hugging him, kissing his face, his hair, holding him close.  “It’s okay.  It’s okay.  You’re okay.  I’ll take care of it.  I’ll take care of you.  Everything’s going to be okay.”

        Aaron held onto Nick as hard as he could, gripping the back of Nick’s shirt in tight fists, pushing his face into Nick’s shoulder and crying over a whole lot of stuff he’d only ever half-understood.

        “It’s okay,” Nick said, and didn’t let go.

        He’d made Nick go to bed, and he’d come out to sit on the beach and watch the waves in the moonlight.  Now moonlight was becoming sunlight, as the sunrise began to hit, but he still wasn’t sure about anything.

        Nick was gay.  Nick’s homosexuality had threatened his career, so his parents had made Nick take a hike.  Nick’s separation from the family wasn’t Nick’s fault, or his fault, but that didn’t make things easier.

        Also, he’d lost the person who most defined his life and sense of self, the person who meant the most to him, the person who loved him most of all.  Yeah, that had been easy.

        Aaron had been brought up in an extremely homophobic environment.  He’d bought into some of it, but it had been impossible to apply it to Nick.  He might be able to think, or even say, things about gay people in theory, and gay people in general, because he’d been so isolated from them that he’d felt safe from a distance.  But Nick?  He couldn’t hate Nick.  But everyone else hated Nick, or said they didn’t hate Nick but sure acted like it, and he’d been confused.  He’d learned to blame Nick for things, like abandoning him, because he’d needed Nick, he’d needed his older brother, and why were those fucking faggots more important than he was?

        Except “those fucking faggots” were, for example, Brian, and he knew Brian, he loved Brian, Brian had been like his second older brother for a while.  And what about JC?  What about Justin?  And then one by one, everyone else had been designated the enemy, and he couldn’t possibly hate all of them, not those guys.  Not when they’d been his surrogate big brothers, his friends, guys who’d teased him and wrestled with him and, okay, in retrospect, let him hang around like he wasn’t an annoying kid.

        They weren’t the enemy.  And if they were, maybe the enemy wasn’t the enemy, after all.

        He’d gone to Nick’s wedding.  Everybody was older, and hooked up, but they were still the same guys.  Kevin was still Kevin.  Chris was still Chris.  AJ was still incredibly cool.  They were all still themselves, and they didn’t seem immoral or damned or like they wanted to molest him.  And, being in the business this long, he’d started to recognize people who were immoral, or damned, or interested in molesting him.  These guys were still the great guys he’d thought were lost forever.

        Aaron had started to feel very, very lied to.

        It was like coming out of a fog.  Being buried under a mound of suffocating blankets and kicking them all off at once.  It was also like several very nasty, bad-for-publicity lawsuits.

        Now he was a homeless millionaire.  Eighteen years old with only one family member who was still willing to speak to him, the only one who’d never profited from his success.  He’d spent a large part of his life being taught to be extremely homophobic, and it turned out he was attracted to his brother-in-law.  Things were pretty fucked up.

        He couldn’t be gay.  He couldn’t be gay, because then all of the years of betraying Nick and ostracizing Nick had been for nothing.  All of those years were a lie.  He should have been kicked out of the family just like Nick, should have been hated and shunned just like Nick.  Except that never would have happened; if it had been both of them, it would have been manipulated, covered up, desperately hushed, anything - - but they never would have been kicked out, not like that.  The family wouldn’t risk losing both cash cows, no way, not ever.

        Nick had been kicked out of his own family because of Aaron.  And Aaron had been a lie the whole time.

        Aaron brought his knees to his chest, lowering his head, pressing his fists to his forehead.  He was going to start crying again, and he didn’t want to.  It wouldn’t help.  But nothing would help.  Except not being gay, that would be really great.  He’d just be straight.  Nobody had to know.

        Brian knew.  God knew how Brian knew, but Brian knew.  Nick was trying not to know; Nick wanted to protect him just like he wanted to protect Nick right back.  Nick would let him pretend.  Except Nick knew how much pretending hurt, even better than he did.

        He caught movement, out of the corner of his eye, and raised his head.  Drew sat beside him, nice enough to look out at the water and not at him, and didn’t say anything.  Drew was barefoot, in shorts and a sleeveless shirt, wearing a necklace he was pretty sure had been Nick’s, originally.

        Aaron watched the sunrise for a minute.  It looked great.  He wondered whether Ashley were looking at it.  No, Ashley was probably still in bed, since normal people went to sleep at night and didn’t sit on a beach playing Teenaged Angst.  He wondered which was more beautiful, Ashley or a sunrise.  God, he was scaring himself.  It felt kind of good.

        Drew was still sitting there, so Aaron decided to go for it.  “How did you know you were gay?”

        Drew made a sound almost like a laugh.  “I found myself completely awed by this guy.  I thought he was gorgeous, and I…I wanted him.”

        “What happened?”

        “I scared myself.  I didn’t think it was right to want him, so I put myself into sexual hiding.”

        “When did you decide it was okay to want guys?” Aaron asked.

        “When Nick came along.  It felt so good to be with him, it felt right.  He was a hundred times more wonderful than I ever could have imagined anyone, and talking about him always makes me sound silly and lovestruck.”  Drew smiled, amused by himself.  “Nick opened up a whole new world.  He brought me back in touch with myself and everything I’d been repressing for years.  The way he made me feel, it couldn’t have been wrong to love him that much.”

        Aaron had to ask.  “You know he’s not perfect, right?”

        Drew grinned at him.  “I know.  But he’s perfect for me.”

        “How good is your gaydar?”

        “Probably not very good,” Drew said.  “I try not to use it.”

        “How good is Brian’s?”

        “I don’t know,” Drew said.  “I do know that he sees a lot of things that the rest of us miss.”

        “He has ESP?” Aaron asked.

        “He sees things in ways no one else does,” Drew said.

        “He thinks I’m gay,” Aaron said.

        “Does he?” Drew asked, like it was new but he wasn’t worried about it.

        “Doesn’t he?” Aaron asked.  He knew they’d talked about it, last night if not before.

        “The word ‘bisexual’ was thrown around,” Drew said.

        Yeah, they’d talked about it.  “Are they fighting?”

        “You would call it that, if you didn’t know them,” Drew said.  “Nick’s upset, and he’s blaming Brian, and Brian’s letting him because it’s easier.”

        “What about you?”

        “It’s my turn to be the neutral one,” Drew said.

        “Do you think I’m gay?”

        “I don’t know,” Drew said.  “Since you’re asking, I can say that I’m going to consider you straight until you tell me you’re not.”

        “How fast did you fall in love?”

        “Fast,” Drew said.  “I fall in love immediately and stay there.”

        “At first sight?”

        “You could see it that way.  I was attracted and interested and drawn in at first sight.  I couldn’t be in love until I’d gotten to know Nick and Brian.  But with every second I knew them, I fell more in love.”

        “How well do you know Ashley?”

        “Pretty well,” Drew said.  “I’m around Justin a lot, and Justin’s around Dan, and Dan’s around Ashley, so Ashley and I always end up hanging out.  He’s really nice, and he’s very…enthusiastic.”

        Aaron had been searching for the right word.  That one fit.  Enthusiastic.

        “He feels a lot,” Drew said.  “A lot of emotions, pretty deeply.  He’s empathetic.  He’s a lot more talented than I thought he was going to be.  And everyone’s always talking about how gorgeous he is and how sexy he is, so I guess he’s hot.”

        “You guess?” Aaron repeated.  Was Drew blind?!  Even when he’d been in denial, he hadn’t been able to take his eyes off Ashley.

        “I don’t really notice people who aren’t Nick and Brian,” Drew said.  “Nick thinks that’s weird, but I’m okay with it.  It probably keeps me out of trouble.”

        “Andrew!”

        Aaron tensed at Nick’s shout.

        “He’s not mad at you,” Drew said.  “He’s mad at everyone in the world except you.”

        “Andrew!”  Louder, edged with frustration.

        “I’m probably the ten thousandth person to say this, but you remind me so much of Nick.”  Drew gazed into his eyes, and Aaron felt like Drew was seeing something in there.  What, he didn’t know, but this little light started shining, softly, in Drew’s eyes.

        “ANDREW!”

        The moment was broken, but the light was still there.  Drew smiled at him and got up, dusting off his ass and walking back to the house.

        Aaron hugged his knees and buried his toes in the sand, waiting tensely for Nick to show up.  Drew must have saved his ass and run interference, though, because Nick didn’t come.  When enough time had passed, and Aaron began to realize how tired and hungry he was, he mustered the courage to go back to the house.  It was a long walk, and the house looked really big, almost unfamiliar.

        When he got inside, he didn’t see anyone.  He wanted to get something to eat, but he also didn’t want to risk being in the open that long, so he scurried up to his room, locking the door.  He got into bed, because he was tired but also because maybe being unconscious would be a relief.

        Except he couldn’t sleep.  He was wired.  His brain was working busily over too many things to give him a break.

        He knew the tried-and-true fix for that, but for the first time in his life he really didn’t want to masturbate.  He was afraid of what his brain might come up with as good fantasy material.

        “I’m not going to yell at him!”

        “Nick,” Brian’s voice said.  “Just come-”

        “I said I’m not going to yell at him!”

        Aaron thought about hiding in the bathroom.

        “You’re already yelling,” Drew pointed out reasonably.

        “Nick, please,” Brian said.  “He was probably up all night.  Let him sleep.”

        Yeah, that was going to happen.  Aaron got up quietly and put his clothes back on.

        “I just want to talk to him,” Nick said.  “Drew talked to him this morning, you had such a great talk with him last night, don’t I get to talk to him?  He’s my brother, I can talk to him.”

        “You sound angry,” Brian said softly.  “You’re going to scare him.”

        “I’m not angry!” Nick shouted.

        Aaron sat on the edge of the bed.

        “I’m not angry,” Nick repeated, more quietly, sounding tired.  “I’m not mad at Aaron.  I’m not mad at you, either.”  He was probably touching Brian.

        “I know,” Brian said, his voice understanding.

        “I’m sorry.”  Still touching Brian.

        “It’s okay.”  Definitely touching back.

        “You, too.”  That must have been directed at Drew.

        “He’s okay,” Drew said gently.  Ten to one, he was touching Nick.  Nick touched people so much, they had to start touching back.  “He’s really okay.  I know you want to protect him, but I don’t think you have to.  Not from this.”

        “I knew we shouldn’t have invited Ashley over here.  I told you.”

        Aaron stiffened.

        “I wasn’t trying to set them up,” Brian said.  “I thought they’d make good friends.  Aaron needs a real friend.  He’s lonely, Nick, and he’s hurt, and it’s hard to feel that way around someone like Ashley.  Ashley’s so nice, and so giving-”

        “Yeah, he’s fucking perfect,” Nick snapped.  “That’s great.”

        “This isn’t about Ashley,” Drew said.  “You know Brian wasn’t trying to put them together, he just wanted Aaron to make friends, and Dan and Ashley are great guys.  But this is about Aaron, and he’s scared, Nick.  He loves you most, he loves you first, and you’re going to scare him into repression if you come at this wrong.”

        “Repression’s okay,” Nick muttered, but Aaron knew he didn’t mean it.

        “Repression’s horrible,” Drew said.  “He’s beautiful, Nick, don’t ask him to hide it.”

        Aaron blinked.  Him?

        “I don’t want to, I’m not - - I just want him to be safe,” Nick said desperately.

        “Isn’t it more important for him to be happy?” Drew asked.

        “It’s the same thing,” Nick muttered.

        “No, it’s not,” Brian said.  “You know it’s not.  And you know which one you really want for him.”

        “I know, I know,” Nick said.  “I know.”  He sighed.  “Now what am I supposed to do?”

        “Tell him you love him,” Brian said.  “Tell him it’s okay.”

        “Tell him it’s okay to be scared and it’s okay to be confused and it’s okay to want things,” Drew said.

        “What if we’re wrong?” Nick asked.

        “Nick, you’ve known about this for years,” Drew said.

        Aaron was shocked. What?!

        “I’m wrong a lot,” Nick said.

        “Not about people you love,” Drew said.

        “Go,” Brian said.  “He needs you.  Help him.”

        “He’s sleeping,” Nick said.  “I should let him rest.”

        “Now,” Drew said.  “We’ll be downstairs.”

        “I love you,” Brian said.

        “I love you,” Drew said.

        “I love you.  I love you.”  Nick sighed.  “He’s too young for this.  Doesn’t he get a break at some point?  Time off to be happy?”

        “Soon,” Brian said.  “It’ll come, I promise.”

        Nick sighed.

        Aaron waited.

        Nick knocked.  Knocked?  That was new.  Aaron got up and opened the door.  He didn’t have to worry about what to say, since Nick immediately pulled him in and squeezed him tightly.  “Are you okay?” Nick asked.

        “I’m better.”  He closed his eyes and tried to speak without losing his voice.  “I’m sorry.”

        “I’m sorry,” Nick said, “I’m so sorry, Aaron.”

        “I don’t want to be this way.  I don’t want to be all of those things.  I don’t want to-”

        “I know, I know, it’s okay.”

        He gripped Nick harder, crying on Nick’s shoulder and not even caring this time.  “I don’t want to be like this.  I don’t want everybody to think that about me.  I don’t want them to hate me for this, too, I don’t want them to wish I was dead, I don’t-”

        “Ssshhh, baby, no, no.  No.  Nobody thinks that, nobody’s-”

        “They do, they wished you were dead, now they’re going to say that about me, they’re going to think everything about me, I don’t want to be this way, I don’t want this, I’m so scared, I’m so scared…”  Aaron broke completely into sobs, unable to find his voice again, clinging to Nick.

        “I love you, baby, we’ll take care of you,” Nick said, rubbing his back in long, soothing strokes.  “I’m sorry, I’m sorry you’re hurting, I’m sorry they did this to you, I’m sorry I wasn’t there earlier for you.  It’s going to be okay.  It’ll be okay.  I love you, Aaron, it’ll be okay.”

        Nick didn’t leave his side, and Brian and Drew stuck close, and that made him feel better.  Nick’s presence was very solid and reassuring.  Pretending to watch TV, with Nick right beside him and Nick’s arm draped loosely over his shoulders, with Drew sitting nearby eating cereal and Brian dropping in, Aaron felt like there was so much real love, so much real affection, so much genuine warmth in this family, maybe it wasn’t that hard to figure out who had the right idea, after all.

        The next morning, he took a shower and put on real clothes and went out on the boat with Nick.  When they got back, they sat on the beach, in the surf, getting soaked and sprayed, and talked.

        He knew if he asked Nick a question, he’d get the truth, so he asked.  “You guys wanted me to meet Ashley, didn’t you?”

        “Brian came up with it out of nowhere, let’s invite Dan and Ashley over to get to know Aaron.  They’re closer to your age, mostly.  And they’re good guys, Dan’s great and Ashley’s so fucking perfect I feel like he should be in a petting zoo or something.  Anyway, you don’t have any decent friends, and Dan’s a good role model, and Ashley’s harmless.  I thought he was harmless.  We didn’t think anything would happen, we thought maybe you’d just meet some nice guys and make friends and have something positive in your life.”

        “I want to see Ashley again.”

        A wild wave came in, and they got drenched.  Nick sputtered salt water for a minute, then said, “Yeah, I figured.”

        “Is that okay?” Aaron asked.

        “It’s okay with me,” Nick said.  “I’m going to give you the sex talk, though.”

        “No, you’re not,” Aaron protested.

        “Yeah, I am.  Do you need diagrams or anything?”

        He walked in on Brian and Drew making out on the sofa.  He tiptoed away to give them their privacy.

        Finally, he made Brian sit beside him.  He dialed and squeezed his eyes shut, clutching Brian’s hand and locking his muscles so he wouldn’t hang up.

        “Hello, this is Ashley.”

        Aaron loved his voice, Aaron loved his name, Aaron loved everything about him.  Aaron also wanted to fucking throw up.  This was hard, this was too hard, he couldn’t do this.

        “Hello?”

        Brian touched his hair.  “It’s okay,” he whispered.

        Aaron swallowed forcibly.  “Hey, it’s Aaron.”  His voice came out sound kind of rough, but at least he could speak.

         “Hey,” Ashley said.  He sounded so warm, so happy to hear from him…

        Aaron’s heart was pounding so hard it hurt.  He was so scared, so fucking scared, he couldn’t do this.

        “Aaron,” Brian whispered.  “Relax, he’s your friend.”

        Friend.  Friend.  Friend, right.  Aaron tried to relax, but it wasn’t happening.  “Are you busy?”

        “Not really.  What’s up?”  Warm, casual, breezy.  Breezy, hell, Ashley was a fucking tornado and Aaron was a fucking mobile home.

        “Can…”  His throat closed up on him.  He was this fucking close to making choked hurt animal cry noises over the phone, and that would be so embarrassing he’d never talk to Ashley again.  But maybe that would be the easy way out, maybe-

        “Aaron?  Are you okay?”

        No, not remotely, not fucking close to okay, but happy was better than safe.  Happy was better than safe.  Being…god, bisexual…terrified him, but Ashley made him happy.  Warm, inside.  “Can you come over?”

        “Yeah,” Ashley said.  “I’ll come now.  Okay?”

        Aaron was about to start crying, but he fought not to let it seep into his voice.  “Okay.”

        “Okay.  Bye.”

        “Bye.”  Aaron hung up quickly, clenching his jaw shut so he wouldn’t let any embarrassing noises out.

        “He’s coming?” Brian asked.

        Aaron gulped in a harsh breath.  “Yeah.”  He tried to breathe normally, but it sounded too loud, and it was all shaky.  He managed to get his eyes open, and then he unclenched his hand from Brian’s, in case Brian didn’t want broken bones.

        Brian stroked his hair back from his face.  “Do you want us to hang around, or make ourselves scarce?”

        “You can…  We’re just going to be outside,” Aaron said.  Ashley didn’t belong inside.  He was meant for open skies.  “It’s not normal to like someone this much when you’ve only known him about a week.”

        “Aaron, you’ve been repressed and suppressed and hating yourself for a long time now,” Brian said.  “It’s taken something real and strong to break through that.”

        “I guess.”  Aaron was relieved that he was breathing normally and his heartbeat wasn’t trying to outpace itself.  “He’s coming over right now.  Am I supposed to do something?”

        “You can change clothes and fix your hair and make something for him to eat,” Brian said.  “Or you can sit here and watch TV until he gets here.”

        “What’s wrong with my hair?” Aaron asked.

        “Nothing,” Brian said with a smile.  “I’ll tell Nick he’s coming.  You just sit here and count backwards from a thousand, slowly.”

        “Okay.”  Aaron grasped Brian’s hand again.  “Thanks.”

        Brian gave his fingers a gentle squeeze.  “Have a good time.”

        Aaron took a slow breath.  One thousand.  Nine hundred ninety-nine.  Nine hundred ninety-eight.  Nine hundred ninety-seven.

        Ashley looked even better than Aaron had remembered, which was skirting impossibility.  He had one hand in his pocket, and his smile was warm but a little embarrassed.  He glanced away, like eye contact embarrassed him even more, and then met Aaron’s eyes and said, “Hi.”

        Aaron had heard some incredibly hateful, nasty things said about gay people, downright cruel things.  But the idea of death and damnation and pain being wished upon Ashley - - Ashley was beautiful, Ashley was good, Ashley carried sunshine around with him in his smile and visited it upon people at will.  If Ashley were ever hurt, or caused pain, much less fucking dead, God, that was like kicking Bambi to death for fun.  His name was Ashley Angel, for God’s sake, and it couldn’t have fit any better.  And if Ashley didn’t deserve any, not any, not even a hundredth of a hundredth of what was said about gay people, then did anyone else?  After all, Ashley was just as queer as they were.  And it wasn’t like only Ashley, and Nick, and Brian, and Drew, and the other people Aaron knew and liked, were exempt, and it applied to everybody else.  That was just ridiculous, even he could figure that out.

        So, if it didn’t apply to Ashley, or Nick or Brian or Drew or anybody else, then it probably didn’t apply to him, either.

        There were still all of those voices in his head, but like Brian said, he got to choose the ones he listened to.  And some of those voices were just full of bullshit.

        And he was making Ashley stand on the front porch for hours, here.  “Come in.”

        Footsteps.  “Hey.”  Oh, god.  Aaron winced, closing the door now that Ashley was inside.  “How are you doing?” Nick asked Ashley.

        “Great,” Ashley said.  “How are you?”

        “I’m good,” Nick said.  “So-”

        “Yeah, bye, Nick,” Aaron said, pushing him aside and walking down the hallway.  “You hungry?” he asked Ashley.

        “Excuse us,” Ashley said to Nick, and it sounded like he was laughing.  Aaron could see the smile on his face without looking, the one that showed his teeth and made his eyes sparkle twice as much as usual.  “No, I ate,” he said, catching up near the kitchen.

        “You want to go for a walk?” Aaron asked, almost meeting his eyes.

        “Yeah,” Ashley said, dropping just that fast into curious concern.  “Sure.”

        They walked for a while, and then they got back and sat down.  It was a normal pose, feet flat, knees up, arms loosely embracing legs, but Ashley made it look like a model shot.

        They’d been talking while they walked, about everything.  It was so easy to talk to Ashley; he didn’t feel like he had to be profound or interesting, and Ashley didn’t seem to judge him when he said something stupid, either.  He didn’t have to brag to impress Ashley, but he didn’t have to downplay shit, either.  That was a new experience, and it was refreshing, it was freeing.  Ashley took him for what he was, accepted him, didn’t need him to be a certain way, didn’t push him into some box marked “what I thought you’d be like before I met you.”

        Conversation sort of stopped for a minute, though, when they sat down, and Aaron blurted it out fast, “I’m bi.”  He raced on, not wanting to stop for a reaction.  “I think I am, I mean I know I am, it’s just that I figured it out like days ago, I was sort of in denial for a lot of reasons, but I’m getting past it, and I’m kind of new at this but I like you.”  Aaron pulled up a fistful of sand, looking down as he opened his fingers, watching the sand fall back down.

        “I didn’t know,” Ashley said.

        “I didn’t, either.”  There was a black leather cuff around Ashley’s wrist.  Aaron wanted it.  He didn’t know why.  He was probably losing his mind.

        “I’m not seeing anybody,” Ashley offered.

        Aaron actually laughed, which surprised him, because he sounded happy, and he felt happy, and that was good, that was new for him today.

        “Anybody at all.”

        Aaron looked at him, and Ashley’s eyes were twinkling.  They shared a grin, and there was that happiness again, bubbling up, warm and freeing.

        Then there was this weird little moment, where it was like Ashley was seeing him in new light, or maybe just with new information.  His eyes got serious, and then got vulnerable, and then there was a look Aaron couldn’t even read for a second.  “Can I touch you?” Ashley asked.  “Before the day’s over?”

        Okay, when he asked girls if he could touch them, that usually meant, well, parts covered by a bra or underwear.  But he didn’t see that kind of lust on Ashley’s face.  He wouldn’t even classify it as desire, necessarily.  It was more like hope and adoration and attraction and other things that were new, and exhilarating, and a little scary.  So he felt himself start blushing, and he said, “Yeah.”  He still wasn’t sure what Ashley wanted to touch, or specifically why, but since he had strong urges to touch Ashley, too, he’d wait and see.

        He did wonder things, though.  Ashley tended to answer whatever he asked, because apparently once Ashley had decided that he could be open with someone he shared everything, so Aaron tried a more personal line of questions.  “You’ve had a lot of boyfriends?”

        “Not a lot,” Ashley said, looking a little embarrassed.  The pink in his cheeks highlighted his cheekbones perfectly.  “I’ve had four.  All of them were since O-Town started.  Once I left home, it was like I was set free, you know?  I could try being me for once.  That’s why going home is so hard.  They don’t approve of anything I’m doing, and I tried so hard to please them for so long.  It just makes me question everything.”

        Aaron understood that.  Understatement.

        “They weren’t around very long,” Ashley said.  “Two months, three weeks, four weeks, and three months.  My taste in guys is almost as bad as my taste in women.”  He realized what he’d said and grinned.  “Except for you.  You’re different.”

        “I guess you’ve had sex,” Aaron said.  “With guys.”

        Ashley tucked his knees in closer.  “Yeah.”

        The next question popped out without even attempting to visit Aaron’s internal censor.  “How good are you?”

        Ashley looked as surprised as Aaron felt.  “What?”

        He’d said it, and he couldn’t unsay it, so he pretended he’d actually meant to ask it.  “How good are you?”

        “At sex?”  Ashley still seemed a little surprised.  “I don’t know, I’ve never had sex with myself.”

        Okay, so maybe there was no way to answer the question accurately.  Aaron’s personal opinion of his own sexual skills was probably a little biased.  “Have you been with other guys?  Who weren’t boyfriends?”

        “Yeah,” Ashley said.  “Two of them.  I don’t have a lot of sex with people I’m not in relationships with, so I tend to start relationships so I can get laid.”

        That was kind of funny.

        “I think you’ve probably been with more girls than I have,” Ashley said.

        Probably.  He hadn’t even thought about that.  “I don’t think that’s going to come in handy, though.  With you.”

        Ashley laughed.  “You’d be surprised.”

        They went back to talking about other things, safer topics.  Aaron tried to look at Ashley without staring, which was really hard to do.  He fisted his hands in the sand, or wrapped his arms around his knees, or leaned back on his hands, or did anything he could to keep his hands off of Ashley, because that weird “must touch” gene was kicking in again.  The sun started setting, and then it started getting flat-out dark, but Aaron didn’t want to go inside.  He wanted to be outside, with Ashley, on the edge of things, forever.

        Except, it was really dark.  And kind of cold.

        “Aaron Charles Carter!”

        And Nick was the fucking bane of his existence.

        The outside lights came on.

        “God,” Aaron muttered.  “Come on, we can sit on the patio, maybe if we give in a little he’ll leave us the fuck alone.”  They got up and went inside, sitting on the sofa.  Aaron tried to de-sand himself, and mentally dared Nick to try setting foot on the patio.  Luck, or more likely Brian and Drew, were with him; Nick stayed away.

        Now Aaron could see Ashley again, which he enjoyed.  They were closer to other people, which brought out the whole “what if someone sees?!” fear, but what if someone saw?  What was there to see, two guys talking?  And even if they were gazing too hard for too long, so what?  The only people who might possibly be looking were Nick, Brian, and Drew, and they’d probably be happy for him.  Well, maybe not Nick, but that was because Nick was being overprotective, not because Nick thought he was morally corrupt for liking guys.

        He was just sitting there, talking, listening, gazing, soaking Ashley in, when a hand slid over his.  Ashley’s hand.  It slid over his, Ashley’s left hand over his right hand, there on his knee.  He tried to keep talking, but inside, he was all hand!  Ashley!  Ashley’s hand!  Touching!  It felt charged, it felt intimate, it felt good.  His brain was sort of buzzing over it, and his body was trying to urge him to increase the touching, and the voices were telling him to pull away, punch Ashley’s lights out, and run like hell.  And then take a bath with Lysol or something to scrub away the gay cooties.

        Except he wasn’t going to hit Ashley, because of that whole “no harm must ever come to him” thing.  Like, pain to Ashley equaled catastrophic event.  So, no punching.  And he didn’t want to run away, he wanted to stay right where he was, because he kind of wanted Ashley to stay with him for the next ten days straight, at least, and if he ran away, that might cut things short.

        Aaron explored hand-holding.  He laced their fingers one way, turned his hand over, laced their fingers another way.  He stroked Ashley’s fingers with his, gently massaged Ashley’s knuckles, tickled Ashley’s palm.  Eventually, he stopped talking entirely, caressing the bones of Ashley’s wrist.

        When he reached out for Ashley’s other hand, Ashley met him halfway.

        They walked to the front door still holding hands.  Then they stood there, Aaron right inside the house, Ashley just outside the house, fingers linked, not letting go, gazing into each other’s eyes.  The stupid part of Aaron’s brain was trying to mention something about letting bugs into the house, but the rest of his brain was just going, Ashley.

        “Do you want to do something tomorrow?” Aaron asked.

        “Yeah,” Ashley said.  “We can go out somewhere.”

        It wasn’t quite a date, but it would be going out and doing things with Ashley, and Aaron liked that.  He could really get into that.  “Yeah.”

        “I’ll come over,” Ashley said.  “We can decide then.”

        “Okay.”

        “Is it okay if I come early?” Ashley asked.

        “Yeah,” Aaron said.  Out of curiosity, he asked, “How early?”

        “A few hours from now?”

        Aaron laughed.  “What time is it, anyway?”

        Ashley smiled at him, that warm from the inside smile.  “Not late enough.”

        It wasn’t late enough, it couldn’t be.  They hadn’t spent enough time together.  Aaron didn’t want to let go.

        Ashley mated their hands more firmly, then did something terrible.  He let go.

        Aaron felt empty.  Fucking bereft.

        “Bye,” Ashley said, like he didn’t want to say it.

        “Bye,” Aaron said, in touch with that emotion.

        Ashley turned away.

        “Wait!”  Yeah, that hadn’t come out sounding desperate.  “You, you said…  You were going to touch me.”

        Ashley’s smile was the warmest all night.  “I did.”  He reached out and touched the back of Aaron’s hand with one fingertip.  “I’ll see you soon.”

        Aaron watched him walk away.  He had to be walking like anybody else did, like any other guy, but it sure looked like he had the perfect, casual graceful masculine stride, like his body was so much more under his own domain than everyone else’s.

        Ashley’s car left his sight.

        Aaron closed the door.  He wasn’t sure how he felt, good, excited, relieved, scared, what.  Pushing away from the door, he ran his hands through his hair, shivering off a weird after-tingle of pleasure.  “Hey, Nick!”

        “What?!” Nick yelled from somewhere else in the house.

        “He’s gone!”

        “About fucking time!”  Nick found him in the kitchen as he started going through the contents of the refrigerator.  “How was it?  What happened?  Are you okay?  Did he try anything?  Are you okay?”

        “I’m fine,” Aaron said.  “Can you stop hiding shit from me?”

        “What do you need?”

        “The peanut butter, the bread, maybe some jelly?”

        “Grape or strawberry?”

        “Grape.”

        Nick found the sandwich ingredients while Aaron got himself a soda.  “You’re okay?”

        “Yeah, I’m fine.  He’s coming back later, we’re going to do something.  I should probably get some sleep.”

        “Yeah, maybe,” Nick said.  “Since it’s after four in the morning.”

        “Is it?”  Aaron wasn’t all that surprised.  “How much detail do I have to give you before I can go to my room and crash?  Where are Brian and Drew?”

        “We’re here,” Brian said, coming into the room, yawning, Drew behind him.  “Sorry, we fell asleep.  What’d we miss?”

        “Ashley’s coming back,” Nick said.

        “We’re going out,” Aaron said.  “I’m thinking bowling.”

        “You want to go bowling?” Nick repeated.

        “Yeah, you want to make fun of me?” Aaron challenged.

        “Yeah,” Nick said.  “Duh.”

        “You told him?” Brian asked.

        “Oh, yeah,” Aaron said.  “Hours ago.”

        “What’d you tell him?” Nick asked.

        “That I’m,” he could say it, “bi.  And that I like him.”

        “What’d he do?” Nick asked, getting that threatening overprotective look.

        Aaron rolled his eyes.  “Nothing.  He said he’s not seeing anybody, and he held my hand.”

        “That’s it?”

        “That’s it,” Aaron said.  “Is that taking it slowly enough?”

        “Maybe,” Nick said.  “For now.”

        “You like him?” Brian asked.

        “He’s perfect,” Aaron said.  “Every time he smiles I get warm inside.  And he has these cheekbones, they’re like-”

        “Cheekbones?” Nick asked.

        “-they’re like, I don’t know, they’re so high, and so sharp, and his jaw, it’s like…”

        “What is this, fucking genetic?  Are you listening to this?” Nick asked.

        Aaron hit him so he’d stop talking.  “And when he looks at me, I don’t know, his eyes are always sparkling, they just sparkle.  When we’re talking, it’s like-”

        Nick put his hand over Aaron’s mouth.  “Did you hear all of that?”

        “It doesn’t mean anything,” Drew said, but he looked really amused, like he’d be outright laughing if he didn’t think it would hurt Aaron’s feelings.

        Aaron shoved Nick away from him.  “He listens to me.”  He hit Nick again for emphasis.  “He doesn’t care about all of the celebrity stuff, except he does, because that’s part of who I am, and he’s been there, so he understands it’s part of me but it’s not all of me.  And what is with you?!” he demanded of Nick, who was still signaling shit to Brian and Drew.  “I’m falling in love for the first time in my life and you can’t even pay attention?!”

        The room was silent.

        Nick coughed, shoving his hand through his hair.  “Sorry.  You were saying something?”

        “Jesus.”  Aaron wasn’t even sure what had happened in the five minutes before his fucking subconscious had taken over his brain.

        Brian started to ask, “Are you-”

        “Yeah, I’m okay, I’m okay,” he said quickly, automatically, still trying to collect his thoughts.  “No.  I don’t know.  I guess I’m okay, I’m still standing, right?” he asked, making a pathetic half-stab at half-humor, trying to smile.

        “You can sit down, if it would help,” Drew said.

        “I’m not ready for this,” Aaron said, taking Drew’s advice.  “I’m not close to ready for this.  I can’t be, I don’t even know him.  I mean, I know him, I just, I’m not even sure what…  This is too fast.  This is too much.”

        “Sometimes that’s how it happens,” Brian said.

        “I’m stupid, I’m stupid for this.  I’m going to act like a jackass about it and he’s going to be like, okay, bye, pathetic amateur freak.”

        “Drew was a repressed virgin, and I thought it was sexy,” Nick said.

        “That’s not really helping,” Drew said.

        “Is it?” Nick asked Aaron.

        “You’re not a pathetic amateur freak,” Brian said, ignoring Nick and Drew.

        “You’re in love?” Nick asked.

        “I don’t know,” Aaron said.  “I’m not really on top of things right now.”

        “You’re not old enough to be in love,” Nick said.

        “I’m old enough to kick your ass if you don’t stop saying random shit,” Aaron said.

        “No, you’re never going to be old enough for that,” Nick said.  “So you’re mostly okay?”

        Aaron checked.  “Yeah.  I’m mostly okay.”

        “Good.  You going to finish that sandwich?”

        Aaron tugged him closer, pulling him into a hug.  “Thanks.”

        “You’re welcome,” Nick said.  “For whatever this is for.”

        “You know what it’s for,” Aaron said.

        Nick pulled back, kissing his temple on the way.  “Just be careful.  If you get all heartbroken, I’m going to have to start taking folks out, and that could get messy.”

        “Okay.  I’m going to bed, and no, you can’t have my sandwich, it’s coming with me.”  He picked it up, then hugged Brian.  “Thank you, too.”

        “Any time,” Brian said.

        Aaron hesitated, then gave Drew a quick hug, too.  “Thanks.”

        “Glad to be of service,” Drew said.  “Good night.”

        “Night.”  Aaron went upstairs.  He had a sandwich, and a home, and a happy-scary-overexcited feeling.  He was going to sleep, and then he’d get up and spend the whole day with Ashley, and Nick and Brian and Drew would be home alone all day to do as much soul-gazing as they wanted.  He’d be out doing some soul-gazing of his own.

        Aaron had never felt so good.  It was one fucking delicious sandwich.

matthew@matthewtime.com

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